I went back and read it…how raw, how sad. I feel sorry for that me last year. I wish I could go there and hold me up.

So here I am RIGHT NOW. Pregnant. It’s what I was hoping for one year ago, and I am happy for my Scarlett coming in September, and yet I still miss Xavier so very much. It is a bizarre world to live in. Happy for the baby that is coming, our beacon of light and hope but knowing his death is what has prompted her existence.

Last night I was in labour and delivery for shortness of breath. They took a triage patient before me into the room beside where I was sitting. I could hear the conversation the nurse was having with the patient. She was 30 weeks with some spotting. OK says the nurse, let’s put you on the monitor. I could hear her put the monitor on her belly and the sound of no heart beat. I could hear her moving it around trying to find the baby. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had closed my eyes and was holding my breath repeating in my head “Find the baby, please find the baby, oh please find the baby”. She found the baby…I exhaled. It never ends this journey. There are things we take with us forever, certain traumas that never release their hold on our hearts.

I often wonder how I got here, in my first post I wrote about being barely able to put one foot in front of the other, and to a certain degree I am still doing just that. I feel like every day I am just trying to get to the day where my baby is screaming and alive…

I have accepted Xavier is dead. There is nothing I can do to ever bring him back. However I think accepting that I will never hold him, kiss him or feel him in my arms again will be a lifelong  process.

Where am I right now? Always grieving, always licking the wound his absence created but also allowing the hope and joy Scarlett has created back into our lives.

I had nurse Hatchet last night and hope I NEVER have the displeasure of seeing her again.

I should have known I was in for a nightmare when I heard N. Hatchet ask N. Redstreaks (she had red streaks in her hair) if she was happy about coming back to L&D triage. N. Redstreaks said how HAPPY she was to be back, that she loved it!!! N. Hatchet remarked how much she absolutely HATED it…she then came into my room to take my history yay me…

When she came to take my blood I was nervous because she was having a hard time just trying to figure out where to stand while trying to jab me…and jab me she did, it was the most painful blood draw I have EVER experienced. I ground my teeth and every time she changed tubes (five times) if felt like the needle might go right into my elbow.

Then when the porter came to take me for my x-ray, he brought a gurney, to which Nurse Hatchet exclaimed “She doesn’t need that, let her walk!”. Errm…nurse, do you remember I can’t breathe? Talking puts me out of breath never mind walking…my husband encouraged me to try…after 3 or 4 stops having to break to catch my breath on our way to imaging, he told me on the way back, no matter what I was going by wheelchair.

Thankfully I met a wonderful resident who made up for everything that N. Hatchet lacked. She even gave me a message…and boy oh boy at 1:00 am, it felt mighty good!

Having the anti-inflammatory meds has removed the radiating pain and allowed me to feel the localized acute pain that remains in the ribs on my left side. I’ll be calling my Chiropractor tomorrow morning and hopefully he can help me as well.

So that’s it for now. I have to say though, they were delivering babies hand over fist last night, and I thought I was “over” feeling weird and sad about babies crying, but I guess not. I guess I can talk myself into anything I want, but how I truly feel surfaces at times when there is nowhere to hide, no emotional crutches to hold me up. I want to hear my baby cry, I need Scarlett to come home with us. It’s as simple as that.

She is currently kicking me and dancing around in my belly. I LOVE that.

********************************

Right now, my eldest boy is in an operating room having a detached retina fixed.

I am hoping and praying that everything goes well, and he will come out the other end with an amusing story for his kids.

However in my baby loss world kids die…my 15 year old son is not exempt. Why do I even bother telling people my fear when I am told to just be positive or stay strong…I wish someone could just validate how I am feeling, and allow me to just be afraid and maybe even offer me some comfort.

So right now…I wait and pray and hope that he wakes up and that his the eye surgery is successful.

More later…

*******************************

So let’s fast forward to this morning when the eye surgeon says he should make a full recovery, but is to never head the ball in soccer again (I can live with that).

PTSD had me on my knees praying and begging he came out of the surgery not just with a fixed eye but alive (really??). There are moments when I feel like a normal person, one who feels an under current of sadness, but present and functioning on a plane of normalcy. Until my kid needs eye surgery and I am begging God to let him live…it seems like such a bizarre reaction, but it’s where I am today.

**********************************

God, I feel like I have been writing this post forever. It’s now Thursday night and here I sit in triage at Mt. Sinai hospital.

For the past 36 hours I have had some major issues breathing and taking a deep breath. I finally decided it was bad enough to warrant a trip to L&D. I am unsure of the connection, or if it is even pregnancy related, but given my O2 levels directly affect Scarletts, I figured it was time to come in and get checked.

They found her (barely) on the heart monitor, but kept losing her so we abandoned that. My BP is elevated 148/86 (waaaay high for me) and I am waiting to see a “fellow” and have blood drawn.

Last nights opinions from my mom and sister is that the laboured breathing is from a rib pinching a nerve…I can’t lay down, I can’t exert ANY energy, there is a pain across my back and I simply cannot take a deep breath and it feels like I am slowly suffocating…

I am not afraid (is that weird?)…it’s just so freakin’ painful and uncomfortable

He is still such a part of my everyday, and is thought of so very often.  The road to where I am now can never be forgotten, and sometimes I feel bad for feeling grateful for the gift of HER because the reality is, he died so she could live. For whatever reason, fate, destiny or divine will…he couldn’t stay here with us and on the one hand I wish I could change that, on the other I know for certain that we would have stopped at Xavier, there wouldn’t have been any others and yet I am so happy that she is going to be a part of our family (PLEASE let her come home to us).

I’d like to share HER name with all of you, as I am tired of referring to her as “her” and “she”. My DH is so picky and hates EVERY name presented to him, so when I suggested this name, and he didn’t even blink an eye but said YES, I knew we had a winner:

Scarlett Maria 

We have always given our kids first names we liked and middle names that were family tributes. Maria is my middle name, my cousin and very best friend, it is my dad’s sister who passed away when she was seven (and why I was given that middle name), and my father, born after his sister had passed was named after her in the male form of Mario, Xavier’s middle name is Mario and so you can see how it all has circled back to this wee lady.

Scarlett is just beautiful and classic…she will forever be unique and mysterious. As a child I bet she will hold the nick name of Scarly and I guess I’m OK with that as long as no one calls her Scar or Lettie. I personally have already begun calling her Miss O’hara, and unless I want others to pick up on that, I should probably stop.

I digress, I got left in the ultrasound room by myself today to walk around and touch my toes to try and get her out of the ball she was in so the tech could get some profile shots. While I was there I started taking some pictures of the screen (totally against the RULES…but I am a rebel of sorts lol) :

Do you see what I see???? WHY is she measuring almost 9 days behind on the head circumference measurement? It is very concerning…but more on that in a little bit. I then took a picture of my sweet little girls profile (and in the process got suckered into buying yet ANOTHER $5 ultrasound picture)

ADORABLE!!! BEAUTIFUL!! WONDERFUL!!!

I was then asked to go to the waiting room and “wait” for my report to take right into my appointment with Dr. K.  I went and met with the nurse in between and dipped a urine stick (negative), had my blood pressure checked (122/60 – I am a BP rock star!) and weigh in (gained 3 kilos in 4 weeks boooooo, not a weight rock star)

Then I got the report, and I ran to the bathroom so I could take pictures of all the data and google the shit out of it!

First concerning issue:

The leading placental edge is at, but not covering the internal cervical os. The fellow I saw today said there was every chance that it would move up and that the best news is that it is posterior. OK, this is a good new/bad news situation, but really??? As a high risk patient already did I need possible placenta previa??

Here is the other shots I took:

Back to the baby’s measurements, the femur length is measuring 22w0d. That is 8 days ahead. So measuring behind on the head, but measuring ahead on the femur?? WTF?? All of this to say the mean age (average) is 21.1

All of these numbers have me spinning. But once again I am putting my trust in a doctor telling me that it is fine and that everything is normal…I find it hard to just sit back and accept that…

In other news, both my nurse and the fellow have instructed me to begin natural induction methods as of 37 weeks. Nipple stimulation, sperm to ripen the cervix and some acupressure. We are all hoping that we can get this baby out before the scheduled c-section, but either way, by hook or by crook Scarlett is coming by September 12, 2012.

Her movements have become more pronounced this week and today while waiting at Dr. K’s, I felt her kick my hand on the outside! I thought it might freak out all the preggo ladies around me if I started crying, so I swallowed it all back, but believe me…WOW! What a feeling.

My next appointment is June 12, which is four weeks away.  On the one hand it feels great that everything is “normal” and they aren’t interested in seeing me for so long, on the other hand four weeks seems really far away to see Scarlett again.

I am feeling good, I am worried about the amount of time I will potentially spend on the side of a soccer field this summer. My feet are already starting to swell and I just hope that anything I did with Xavier that could have made a difference isn’t repeated this time.

I am currently waiting to hear back from the sleep study people at Mount Sinai. I need to make sure I cover all my bases. So if that includes a CPAP machine for the rest of this pregnancy even though the thought of it makes me feel panicky as I am claustrophobic, I don’t want to have to regret any of my decisions (again).

With that…a new bump picture. Also, sorry for all the phone pictures. Blackberry cameras blow, but I am lazy, so I can’t be bothered to get out the real camera lol.

Take care friends.

]]> http://fireworksandrainbows.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/20w6d/feed/ 8 kidsakeeper screen 20w6d screen 2 edit screen 3 edit screen 4 20w6d http://fireworksandrainbows.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/velociraptor/ http://fireworksandrainbows.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/velociraptor/#comments Wed, 02 May 2012 17:38:59 +0000 kidsakeeper http://fireworksandrainbows.wordpress.com/?p=725 Continue reading →]]> So I had to post this because me sister is a NUT.

She didn’t understand the potty shot from yesterday and sent it back to me how she saw it:

Velociraptor

In response I sent her this:

Baby girl

She is insisting it is a velociraptor…oy lol

This morning I had an appointment with Dr. K for a placental screening, our regular ultrasound and I also received the results of our IPS screening.

I’ll start with the ultrasound before Dr. K came in to have a look at my placenta. The tech was fabulous, she must have dealt with baby loss because the second she put the wand on my belly she said see there is the heart beating (woohoo!).  She too had a look at my placenta as she was looking around I told her I had been told twice now that the baby was a girl. I need to pause here and say how wonderful it is to be able to talk with your ultrasound tech, ask questions and just generally have a conversation about what we are looking at up on the screen. Back to the scan…after I told her about the gender guess two weeks ago she said “Well let’s have a look!” and immediately she says “Oh yes it is! That’s a girl!”

Of course I am at this appointment by myself and would have NO evidence of what I was just told and my darling DH is POS.IT.IVE it is a boy so I needed something to prove him wrong, I quickly remembered about the $5 ultrasound pictures you can buy (grrr…this is somewhat ridiculous, but I guess for the amount of patients and ultrasounds they do daily, and the cost of the special paper…it must get expensive) and voila:

I made sure she wrote the sex down on the picture so we weren’t sitting debating what we were looking at. How embarrassing for my daughter that I just exposed her goodies on the interwebs, but whatever….I am an open book, that blogs anonymously (at least I think I do) so nothing to really worry about right??

We discussed baby’s movement (or the lack thereof) and I explained the concerns I wrote about in my previous post and she told me not to worry about it right now, that she could see the baby was moving around appropriately. This made me feel better right up until she told me that the baby’s head was measuring 18w3d but the abdomen measured 19w0d. Apparently this is normal and the abdomen measurement makes up for the biparietal diameter (head circumference) being behind a bit. We had a bit of a laugh when I explained my first son’s head was so massive that at aged two he started wearing adult sized caps and my second son had such a wee tiny head that my sister dubbed it the softball so genetically it could go either way…lol

I was then asked to wait in the ultrasound room until Dr. K came in so he could assess my placenta himself. He finaaallly (after an hour) came in with a medical student and he was wearing scrubs so I guess he had a delivery and sat down to have a peek himself. (As a another side note, he was wearing some pretty jazzy socks that looked like stained glass windows!)

He remeasured everything himself and got a femur length because of the discrepancy in head circumference. He actually disagreed with the tech and said that by his measurements, everything was spot on at 19w0d. Having explained this to my DH, his response was to then say “And you want me to believe her gender determination???”. So I think he might be back on the boy train…sheesh.

I think today’s appointment went really well. The only thing that concerned me even though he said it was “normal”, was that my uterus had a contraction while the tech was doing the ultrasound and you could see it in the still. I wish I had asked more questions about that but I was put off by what he told me.

So onto the IPS results (sorry this is so damn long…but LauraJane is on mat leave laying around the house and Leslie is literally laying on her left side and they both need reading material) I also did the maternal serum screen and ALL came back NORMAL!

I wanted to know what the actual odds were and told him my concerns because I was turning 36 in (HOLY SHIT) 10 days!!!!! Dr.K said nope…I was actually 15…whaa??? I have a 1:8430 chance of down syndrome which gives me a biological age of a 15 year old. THIS is hilarious! I am not entirely sure why the results came back like that, I have had IPS screening done three times before and that is the first time I have ever seen results like that.

So now to one of my milestones. Tomorrow I will be HALFWAY exactly!!! I am scheduled to have this baby September 12, 2012 by repeat c-section. This translates to 10.12.12. Xavier was born 10.10.10 and died on 10.12.10. I feel like this is a sign that he truly did send us this baby and he wanted us to know it.  We really had to let this date roll around with us for a while, we weren’t sure how we would like any of Xavier’s “days” taken by a new baby, by this baby…by their sister. We decided it is what it is and screwing with anything at this point is like screwing with what should be.

I leave you with my first bump picture (at 18 weeks), please be kind lol!

18 Weeks

I am asked almost daily “How are you? How are you feeling?”, I keep making the mistake of answering honestly. I say physically I am feeling great, but that I am scared to death. I am scared for everything that has happened and everything that can happen. The usual response to this is a “Tsk tsk” and “Don’t worry, everything will be OK” or some times “Be positive! I just know everything will turn out fine” and my personal favourite “Stress is bad for the baby”

I have had several bad days in the last two weeks. Tears in the shower, tears sitting outside the Taco Bell (please don’t judge, I have been stress eating for weeks now), tears for just about ANY thing that tugs at me emotionally. I know that part of this is regular pregnancy hormones, but there is so much more going on than that. I am scared. I am scared out of my fucking mind that this, our last chance, our last try, will some how be snatched from me, from us. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop down on my head like a hammer. I laugh and smile and get on with my days, but beneath the surface I am just a mess, with really no one to talk to because all I get are the responses above.

At 18 weeks and this being my fourth pregnancy I thought for sure I would feel movement by now and I don’t. This in and of itself scares the living daylights out of me. WHY can’t I feel her? Maybe my three strapping lads before her have spoiled me, maybe the c-section has left me numb in my lower abdomen, maybe…maybe…MAYBE. Maybe there is something wrong with her, maybe she will leave me as well…sorry for the ramble, but there is so much rolling around in this brain of mine which is why crying fits in the shower have become the norm.

I want her to come home with me so badly, the thought of losing another child chills me to my soul.  I asked my beloved D why I keep getting this response from my friends and family and he told me because people are keeping the faith for us. They are holding out hope because we can’t. He explained he is trying to be as positive as possible because thinking of the alternative is too painful. I agree, but trying to repress be positive is becoming a daily struggle for me and I see a few chinks in his armor as well.

Florence + the Machines sing a song you might recognize from the movie Eat Pray Love. I remember when I first heard it I thought that when I was pregnant again I just knew my “Dog Days” would be over…I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

One last thing before I wrap this post up. Leslie over at Cullen’s Blessings could use a few thoughts and prayers. I am terrified for her and my GOD I can only imagine how she is feeling. Please say a prayer (or whatever it is you do…even just some good and positive thoughts her way) for her and her twin boys and their entire family. She has been a massive support to me both in the death of my son and in trying to conceive this baby. She deserves a happy ending and a double rainbow. I am thinking about you Leslie and hoping and praying for the best outcome for you and your twins.

Today’s appointment at Dr.K’s was interesting to say the least. I asked D to come and we brought the two boys because I get an ultrasound with each visit and I thought they might like to see the baby.

I didn’t use the doppler before I left to alleviate my ultrasound anxiety so I was really nervous. She put the wand on my belly and I immediately saw movement (phew!), then in my nerves I blurted out to her “Penis or vagina…if you see anything recognizable don’t hesitate to call it out”

She looked at me with her eyebrow raised and told me it was sort of early to tell. She continued looking around and then I SAW IT! I saw what Borat would describe as the Vageen…yep, it’s a GIRL. Believe me when I tell you no one was more surprised than me. I honestly couldn’t fathom my husband creating a little girl after three boys.

Some other interesting things were discussed with Dr. K. I was asked to bring the placenta pathology from Xavier, the Maternal and Perinatal death review and a few other reports that he had asked me to bring. We went over the last week I was pregnant with Xavier including what my OB had told me just four short days before he was born. Dr. K looked at my DH and I and told us she was negligent and that I received sub-standard care. What validation to be given after a year and a half of doubt and of blaming myself.

I am beginning appointments every two weeks beginning my next appointment. Dr. K is concerned about a few things, not that I have anything for him to be concerned about, but more that he wants to make sure if there is anything he can nip it in the bud. He is making a point to do the ultrasound at my next appointment himself. He is interested in looking at my placenta himself rather than in stills in my file after the fact.

The problem with him wanting to see me more frequently is that it freaks me out. FREAKS.ME.OUT. If everything was OK and “normal” why would he want to see me more frequently. I believe he telling me the truth, that there is nothing wrong…but it still makes me wonder. He was clear about the fact that I have incredible blood flow to the placenta and he seemed pretty impressed with that (so proud of my placenta) and that he is hopeful that it will continue to remain in that way.

So that’s that…placenta is good, blood flow good and PINK instead of the blue I was so sure of….

It is hard to believe that you have been gone for eighteen months now. So much has happened since you died. So many tears have fallen that have your name on them. I think what has surprised me the most is that I still miss you the same as I did the day you took your last breath.

I miss your little face, I wish we could have watched you become the chubby little toddler you should be today. I picture you in my mind and I have assigned you a personality that I think might be pretty close to what you might have been. It seems sad that I have to pretend and imagine what you might have been and what we would be with you here.

Besides your Dad and myself I think M feels your absence the most. He still talks about you and tells everyone that he has a little brother. He was and still is so proud to have had you in his life. I catch him rubbing your urn all the time, and when he won the league championship last April he was certain it was because you were watching over him. He placed the medal around your urn like it was your win too, it remains there and he makes it straight if it ever becomes askew.

I know one day I’ll be able to have you in my arms again, and until that day I pine for you…I really and truly do. I spent a lot of time after you died being devastated and sad and a mess of my former self, but I also spent a lot of time being angry. With fate, my doctor, God and yes even you. I wanted you to want to be here as much as you were wanted by all of us. I questioned why you couldn’t fight harder to stay, why I wasn’t good enough for you to try harder. I slowly came to realize I was asking to much of you, you were so weak and sick and after all, just a wee baby. I couldn’t have asked more of you that the precious hours that we spent together. You were strong, as strong as you could be and I received a gift many baby loss parents don’t get, I received time with you. Thank you for that.

One and a half years has sped by and yet it feels like yesterday. I continue to love you immensely and miss you even more than that. Thank you for the moments we shared and thank you for the gift of our new baby. I know you sent me this gift and I know you will keep us all safe. We miss you, we miss you, we miss you.

Love Mom

Not enough kisses for my lifetime <3

He assured us that the grief would wane and that we would feel less and less raw about Xavier’s death. That we would eventually laugh and smile and be able to live our lives outside of the black clouds that appeared over us when he died. We would survive this he told us…we were strong enough and had enough love for each other to get through it. He did warn us though of something called a “grief burst”.

The definition of a “Grief Burst” from The Grieving Heart defines it as such:

Shadow grief is the intense sadness that overcomes us when least expected, like a shadow from the past that darkens the day, the moment or the mood.(1) Often called a grief burst, this reliving of grief may occur at any time, usually at the most unexpected moments, and comes and goes for a lifetime. While shadow grief is often associated with mothers whose children have died, anyone can experience this type of grief burst. 

Today was a grief burst of sorts for me. I was watching TLC’s A Baby Story and a commercial came on for the season finale of 19 Kids and Counting. It’s the episode where they find out their daughter Jubilee has passed away. They pan to Michelle Duggars face at her daughters memorial. I know that face, that pained look of disbelief. The tears I have shed, the same tears we have all shed. I used to joke about Michelle Duggar’s uterus, calling it a clown car and joking about babies just rolling out after the tenth kid. Now, I feel like I know her and her pain. I feel, as silly as this may sound, like we all belong to the same sisterhood of the baby lost.

In the middle of the preview, I started tearing up, it’s not the first time I’ve seen it and teared up, but it’s the first time I couldn’t stop crying, and then shaking. It surprised me that this would be a trigger, but it was her eyes. I could see the pain in her eyes…it has haunted me most of the day. Not only because of Xavier’s death but because I am terrified for the baby I am carrying now and the realization that ANYTHING can happen.

I miss Xavier a lot today. I miss everything he should have been, everything we should be doing with him. It’s heart wrenching sometimes to feel like I am constantly missing my sweet baby boy who will never be able to be anything but a memory for us now. Something has happened during the last 17 months trying to make sense of my new world. My grief has become less jagged, less raw. My every thought is no longer of missing my boy, however, I feel like my love for him has grown leaps and bounds even through his absence or maybe because of his absence. All I can do is love him as much as I can from here on earth.