Hard Day

Today has been an incredibly hard day. I very seldom let myself think of the what if’s with Xavier.  I turn that part of my brain off most days.  I don’t allow day dreaming or thoughts at all of what should be.  I am a prison warden when it comes to these things. I LOCK THEM UP TIGHT!

Until today. I allowed myself to think, to wonder, to imagine. What he would smell like, look like, sound like.  If he was  a happy baby or  colicky like M.  First smiles, laughs, little fingers and toes.

There is a reason I don’t allow my self to go there, as was proven today.  It’s damn hard!

She had her baby (she being someone I know), and Facebook is a very sad place to be when you feel like you are dying inside…but you slap on a smile and wish them all the best in the world with their new son, and then you cry. Then you cry some more, until you are shaking and dehydrated and you have a head ache.

I look at my beloved and I tell him that I don’t know who I am any more, who is this person that used to be happy.  Where did she go? He reminds me that he loves me, and that he is here for me. I remind him that I am crying for more than Xavier now. I cry for what he is not prepared to give me, and what I so desperately wanted with Xavier but was cheated out of.

He is not ready.  So I will wait, because really, what else can I do? Well I guess that just leaves me more time to cry…

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One thought on “Hard Day

  1. I am so sorry you and your family experienced such a significant loss. I just read xavier’s birth story and it was all just so tragic. My heart feels for you.

    The what ifs are a hard thing to think about. But I also think it is a necessary thing to feel. Xavier was, and is, part of your family and it is simply impossible to not think of the things you are feeling. Xavier is worth thinking about. I hope your husband will be ready in time to share these feelings too.

    The picture of you holding him is wonderful. He was a beautiful baby.

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