Four months

Four months ago, Xavier came into this world like a blaze of light and love. He left a mark so deep and ingrained and far reaching. I am unsure how this came about. How did one little soul leave a mark so big?

He was so wanted. He is so loved. He is so missed.

I want to share with you something.  Something I barely can watch some times because it is physically painful.  But he was here, and he lived, if only for a brief moment in time.

My sweet strong boy.  He carried on after being extubated for 13 1/2 hours and was with us for a total of 33.

Dear Xavier,

How I miss you terribly.  You were supposed to be my last baby, and I relished every part of my pregnancy…oh I whined about it, but I knew this was it, and that I would enjoy every kick, every bit of back ache, heart burn and 2am trip to the bathroom to pee.

I love you and I miss you.  I wish we would have had more time with each other.  I wish you could have gotten to know your brothers, but I am sure you heard them shouting at you from the outside. They miss you terribly too.

Sometimes I am angry at you for leaving me.  Like you had a choice. I know you didn’t, but I get mad just the same because my heart aches for you.

I talk to you when our song comes on…and boy it seems to come on the radio all the time….sometimes it makes me smile, some times it makes me cry, but it ALWAYS brings me back to your sweet little face.

I think I am healing. I think I have made it through the worst of the storm…I am sure there will be some squalls on along the way, but it just doesn’t seem as bleak as when you first died.

I believe you are in heaven.  I believe you are waiting for me. I also believe you are up in Heaven keeping your eyes on all of us. I worry about your Dad. I think you know what I mean. Please help him to heal…he needs all of our thoughts and prayers.

I love you little monkey…

Mommy

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