Harder Days

I feel like I am going backwards.  Like the pain is fresh.

I feel so frustrated with my beloved. It has become an all consuming thought for me.  Have a baby. Have a baby. I want a baby. Can I have a baby now? What do I have to do to make him want to have a baby.

People are pregnant all around me, others have their babies, and I? I have depression. It feels like it’s pushing me further away from the ones I love.  This mania…this goal that I can’t achieve on my own.  I failed the last time, he never made it home with us. Why? Because I was afraid of what people would think. It replays in my mind, if I had just gone right away early Sunday morning when I sensed something was wrong. FUCK! how I regret that…

It’s feels like a catch 22. Leave him be to heal, but in my head, that’s time wasting…so push him harder, and he retreats further away.

Written it seems like such a simple solution…so how do I convince my head?

17 years ago we met and fell in love.


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