Love Day

I like giving my kids Valentines Day presents. I like getting them a little bear or P.J. or even some chocolate.

I have to go today and get that done. I am putting it off. Mentally and physically. Like I can’t find the strength to go wandering around getting cards and gifts for my beloved and the boys.

I think I love D more today than I ever have in my entire relationship with him, and yet something is missing.  Some one is missing.  Given that today is a day of love and hearts, how do you contend with conflicting feelings of love and heart break all at the same time?

Is it OK for me to feel my heart swell when I think of D? Is it OK that I want to show my boys how much I love them? What about Xavier? How do I show him how much he is loved?

He should be here damn it! He should be having his first Valentines Day with us. His cheeks should be rosy like Cupids, and I should be chasing M away from Elmira-ing him…

I should feel tired and exhausted from night feedings. We should be running out of our stockpiled diapers. I should be off to Old Navy for Valentine day pajamas for my three boys.

Instead, my beloved feels today is dreary & M was hurt there was no card for him this morning. It’s like love was sucked out of our lives when Xavier died. D gave me a lovely card this morning and a gift certificate for a mani and pedi. It was very nice, but I don’t think any of us are really into to it this year.

I miss him today…I miss him everyday, but sometimes, when I really feel he is missing us too, it feels bigger.

I don’t know, today my thoughts feel disjointed, like the smile on my face isn’t genuine. I’m trying though.

Happy Valentines Day.




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