So sorry if my dead baby has made you feel uncomfortable

I read this today:

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”
–Author Unknown

I laugh, I smile, I even kiss my husband ;)…

I worry about how I “am” now. I feel more afraid about everything since Xavier died. I feel overly sensitive about everything. Good news, bad news, songs, commercials, other pregnant women, babies etc..etc..

Last night on Grey’s Anatomy, they were cutting into a mans chest because he was having a heart attack. I had to look away. I could feel the doctor cutting me open again.

I just feel like I was a stronger person before all of this. Like the crap in my life right could have been better handled by the person I was before. That the woman my husband fell in love with was a strong, feisty lady not the person I have become.

I am scared. I am scared about everything and I don’t think that was Xavier’s point. That is not what he came here for. I am NOT supposed to be scared. His legacy couldn’t have been to make me into an unrecognizable marshmallow.

I really wish someone would point me in the direction of the point, or as someone said on Facebook-

‎”The main thing, is to keep the main thing, the main thing.”

A younger, less marshmallowy me.


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