Antsy *feel free not to read this*

I feel like like I have been doing well with my rubber band, emotional roller coaster I take when it comes to having another baby. I pine, I cry, he says no or says sorry or ignores me, I get depressed, and have no choice but to bounce back up because we have kids, and jobs and lives that can’t accommodate my body’s craving for a baby.

Yesterday and today I feel antsy about it. It started with D’s email confirmation for his April conference in Orlando. I made a mental note right away that I would be “fertile” while he was away and he would miss it. It would be 6 months Xavier died while he was away. That more than 6 months isn’t fair to me.

He hasn’t even said anything that would give me any indication that he is ready, but I cross my fingers and hope and wish each day will be the day. But he seems unconcerned about time. That he is going away while he could be home getting me pregnant. That if we were to have a baby this year, these are the last few months we can do it. Doesn’t he see that???

Time is my enemy right now. I want time to stop taunting me .

I want a baby. I want a baby with him. Now. Please.

*insert many expletives here that I want to scream out loud*

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