Xavier’s mom

I sometimes feel split.  What I mean is, sometimes I feel like two different people. Like I have split who I want to be and should be and Xavier’s mom.

Let me explain.

Being Xavier’s mom is a happy and sad experience all at once. I am proud to have carried and held him if even for a short time, but being me, the me I was before he left us, is a much easier person to be.

I think about him all the time.  I still cry sometimes.  Less now, but I still do. I miss him terribly.

However, I laugh, and sing songs to radio tunes, shop, cook, entertain. I function, and I wonder who is that? Is that “me” allowed to do that? Would Xavier’s mom be having this much fun?

I think it may be a defense mechanism. Fight or flight. Split in two. Separation of emotion, a separation of self.

I am Xavier’s mom, and I can be happy having had him, loved him and sad that he died.


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