I sometimes feel split. What I mean is, sometimes I feel like two different people. Like I have split who I want to be and should be and Xavier’s mom.
Let me explain.
Being Xavier’s mom is a happy and sad experience all at once. I am proud to have carried and held him if even for a short time, but being me, the me I was before he left us, is a much easier person to be.
I think about him all the time. I still cry sometimes. Less now, but I still do. I miss him terribly.
However, I laugh, and sing songs to radio tunes, shop, cook, entertain. I function, and I wonder who is that? Is that “me” allowed to do that? Would Xavier’s mom be having this much fun?
I think it may be a defense mechanism. Fight or flight. Split in two. Separation of emotion, a separation of self.
I am Xavier’s mom, and I can be happy having had him, loved him and sad that he died.