Well tomorrow marks 5 months since Xavier was born. It feels like a million years ago, and yet it has gone by so quickly.
M said two things yesterday that really brought a couple of things home for me. First he asked again. “Mom, can we have another baby? I really want one.” I gave him my usual answer of “I don’t have an answer for you.” He persisted “But I really want to know mom. Why can’t we have another baby?” OH! The anger that welled up in me at D. WHY do I have to tell him no? Why do I have to ache when I tell him I don’t know? How does D get off not having to answer these questions. Why does he get to decide on his own?
I ended up telling him that it wasn’t me, and that perhaps he should ask his father. “FINE” he said “I am asking Daddy why we can’t have another baby.” D jr. piped up with “Don’t pressure him, otherwise we’ll never have another baby.” I don’t know if he ever did ask D.
Then at dinner, M was telling me about his friend, and how his mom was pregnant with number 5. I froze. WHAT? She’s pregnant again? I want to give up.
I am tired of his eye roll when contraceptives are brought up and I suggest they aren’t needed. I am tired of the non-answer answers he gives me about having another baby. It all makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit. I am frustrated that my period is here again. Like my body making cruel jokes at me like “HA-not pregnant again I see!” I am at the end of my rope with no knot to tie.
What does any of this have to do with it being 5 months since Xavier was born? Tick Tock. I have no baby. No promise of a baby, and god damn it I have been waiting a year and a half. It’s torture and not fair. And he holds all the cards.