I am

If you don’t know already I am a BLM blog lurker. What’s so wrong with that?

In the words of Vince Vaughn in Couples Retreat “I know my truth”

I found a very interesting writer over at still life with circles and in her about me page, she writes:

“I am the person behind you in line at the market with two kids wondering if it is obvious that my third baby is in a tiny little urn in her living room.”

While my particular urn is sitting on a niche at the top of the stairs wrapped in a small blanket and covered in silly bands from D jr. and M; was she writing a description about me? I thought I was the only one that wondered this.

Did you know my baby died? How do you introduce your self like that? One woman kept asking me about my two boys as they were bouncing around.

“Oh you have two sons?”

“Yes” I replied

“Just the two boys?”

“Yes” I replied

“Wow so two boys?” She shook her head looking back at her computer.

“Actually three, one son died in October”  She was visibly shaken. Like I had punched her in the stomach. Take that you bitch.

“He only lived for 2 days.” I look over at my beloved with a smile on my face. The smile covering up the pain. I am sure others are familiar with it. He grabbed my hand and smiled his own pain filled smile while he nodded his head at me.

When we left, I looked over at him and said “She kept asking, and every time I denied him, it killed me. I had to tell her.”

He nodded his head and said “Yup. She asked.”

Can you see my pain when you look at me? Is it evident to strangers looking at my face or in my eyes? Don’t they know about Xavier? Shouldn’t the whole world know about him and our loss?

Just sayin’


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