Dead like me

My beloved and I always enjoyed the T.V. show Dead Like Me. In fact I am watching it right now while I write this post.

We watched both seasons many years ago, but have found it to be of comfort having gone through Xavier’s life and death. My beloved says he thinks about Xavier through most of the show. Of what exactly, he has never shared with me.

I think about the after life. Heaven and God and all that it implies.

A friend of mine’s daughter had childhood leukemia, battled it and is now in remission. When Xavier died, she told me how she had lost her faith in God. How would a God have allowed her daughter to be in pain and fear? If there was a God, how would he allow a baby like Xavier to die?

“No God?” I asked her.

“Your daughter is alive, I on the other hand, do not have the luxury of doubting if there is a God or a Heaven.” I told her.

She seemed quite taken aback at my statement, but really there must be something. This can’t be all there is.

I was brought up Roman Catholic, I have received every sacrament I can at this stage of my life. We have raised our children Roman Catholic. We believe in blind faith, but some times, what keeps me up at night, what causes me cold sweats as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, is that there is nothing after we die.

I am not so much concerned about me, but for those that have passed before me.  Xavier included. Some tell me he is an angel now, others say he is a saint.  I want so desperately to believe he is with God and the souls of our family who passed before him. That our grandparents and other family members are keeping care of him until we join him in Heaven.

I like to imagine it was my maternal Grandfather and D’s maternal Grandmother that welcomed Xavier to Heaven. That he is happy, and not scared. That he sends us love and can feel our love from here on Earth.

I just miss him. All the time. He left a mark on my heart and my soul.





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