Today was a different day. I don’t know if it was because of the sunshine or green peeking out of the brown trees, but today was definitely different.
I felt excited. I feel like I know a secret. I know that soon we will begin trying to bring a new life into our lives. It made me feel buoyant, lighter, hopeful.
M rubbed my belly today with his “hopeful” eyes turned up at me. Like, is there anything in there yet??? I told him “No, there is no baby in there” What I wanted to do was a jig and tell him SOON!!! Soon we can all rub my belly, an then soon after that we can all take turns holding our new baby, loving and kissing and hugging and holding.
All of the squinches we have built up after loosing Xavier, and all the cuddles he didn’t get to have from all of us plus all the affection and love we’ll have for this new life. I hope this (theoretical) baby is ready for it all!!!
Soon after Xavier died I hated hope. I despised hope. I wanted hope to die right alongside Xavier. How dare there be hope in this world if my child was dead. How could hope be alive and kicking?? Hope had no right to be felt by any one. Xavier died, and all hope should be banished to the furthest corners of the universe.
Today I am obviously in a better space (most days) and hope has become my comfort. My security blanket. My daily mantra.
I hope D will heal enough from this trauma that he will want to try again
I hope M and D jr. aren’t completely screwed up over the loss of their baby brother
I hope I can still get pregnant
I hope I get pregnant
I hope my beloved doesn’t change his mind
I hope these next months fly by
I hope I get pregnant quickly
I hope there are no complications
I hope for a baby to take home and love and care for until the day I die
I hope Xavier watches over us
I expect to be giving hope the stink eye very soon as Xaviers 6 month birthday approaches this week, but for today, and right now hope floats abundantly up in my heart and soul.