Two steps forward, four back.

I was debating on posting this. I don’t really even know where to start. I guess it started with a BBM to D: “I want to push a stroller”.

I sent it with out thinking. I saw a woman pushing a stroller, and I felt it. That want, that need, the feeling of being ripped off. It should be me pushing a stroller, Xavier shouldn’t be dead. I some times can’t express it to others well, this duality in feelings. I want Xavier, I know I can’t have him back (pushing his urn around in the stroller would just be weird), and not to replace him, but I still want another baby.

I told my DH that I feel very strongly a new baby would help us all to heal. He insists we would be replacing him.
I lack the words to explain it to him. It’s a very hurtful thought. How could I replace my son? Is that what I am doing? Some one give me a freaking clue!

This one comment led to an enormous blowup from DH. On one hand I accept when he blows up, he never expresses himself any other way when it comes to Xavier. Other than the day he died, I have never seen or heard him cry directly over the loss of our son. Ever. Maybe he cries alone, I don’t know, but I doubt it.

Even though he is very scared and worried, he has agreed to try again some time in August/September. He also apparently doesn’t want to speak about it again until then. This has left me feeling alone with no one to talk to.

If I bring it up, it makes him feel like I am asking for us to try right now, re: stroller pushing comment=me saying August is not soon enough. While he is right, I do feel that way, that is not what I was trying to convey.

Bit of an epiphany here, maybe, how I want him to want another baby, and talk and plan and be optomistic, maybe he wants me to be satisfied with August, and that I’m not, bothers him…food for thought.

Back to the argument though…later that evening, I sat next to him on the couch and said “This is going to be a hard summer, full of Xavier’s pregnancy milestones.”He turned his head and seemed captivated by the T.V. I felt my blood begin to boil. I asked him if he heard me, he said yes.
“No comment?” I asked.
“What do you want me to say? Is that all you ever think about? Pregnancy and babies??”
He blew up completely and asked me “What about me? What about how I feel”
Which got me thinking, I really have no idea, because he never tells me how he feels. Just these occaisional blow ups when I seemingly push to hard.

So now I sit wondering who do I talk to if not him? Who can I have a conversation with about all of my hopes, fears and baby dreams? It can’t be him. I don’t blame him, he just can’t deal. I don’t think he’ll be able to deal until a baby is in his arms. He’s my best friend, my confidente, and I have lost him… temporarily anyways. Babyies, grief and it’s co-mingling is now off the table.

I would suggest (even to myself) a councellor, but I can’t just call any old time I want about a song I heard, or a pregnant woman I saw etc. etc.

I don’t know. I just feel… lost.


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