01.05.11

Just writing today, with no real subject.

As always, I am missing my boy. I think daily about what milestones he might be at, how our family dynamic would be and just all the things I was planning on doing with our family.

I am ashamed that sometimes I feel like I have put the rest of my life on hold, waiting for our baby.  I waited for Xavier, and now I am waiting again.  I feel a little better about waiting now. A very large argument turned into a light being turned on for me.  So I am waiting. Still impatiently, but with more understanding. More than I have had since this nightmare began in October.

M still asks when we can have another, and I would like to let him know, but what about miscarriage, infertility and everything else that can go wrong while trying to conceive? I don’t want him to feel more loss than he already has been dealt.

I worry sometimes, that D jr. and M will never be able to feel safe or secure during any pregnancy. Xavier’s death has ruined it for any future siblings, or even when the time comes for them to have their own children. I feel sorry that they will associate pregnancy with death. No one should have to feel scared during such a wonderful and magical life event.

D’s best friend called yesterday and said he was coming over because he was in the neighborhood.  I went into a tailspin of panic. If I haven’t mentioned it before, September 9, 2010 this friend and his wife had a baby girl at 27 weeks. We went and visited them in the hospital. Their baby should have been a month younger than Xavier, instead she was a month older.  I haven’t seen or held a baby since Xavier died, and the thought of them showing up on our door step with out any time to mentally prepare myself had me in an emotional state. It turned out it was just him that came, but still it kind of made me realize I think it’s time I dealt with this head on; or should I? Am I entitled to avoiding babies until I am in a better head space? Until I am at least pregnant? I think I am.

Next weekend is Mothers Day, and I am aware that most BLM’s don’t have the luxury of having living children to celebrate with, so I will remember my blessings and how precious they are, regardless of how empty I feel.

X&O’s for all the Mamma’s on International Babylost Mothers Day.

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