Today I feel like posting some of the snippets of conversation that goes through my head. Bits of conversation and my most prized possession, my only real memory of holding him and touching him. I was so heavily medicated, I have to look at pictures and watch the limited videos we have of him to remember. But this one memeory is mine, and I can feel him in my hands.
Me: What’s wrong with him?
D: We won’t know for at least the first year.
D: They are taking Xavier to Sick Kids
Me: You actually named him that??
Me: We were just supposed to have a baby! How did this happen?
D: I know…I don’t know…
When I close my eyes, he is lying in the crook of my left arm. He is wearing only a diaper. I raise my right hand and begin my caress him starting at his ear.
He is so soft under my finger tips. As I sweep my hand downwards I cup his shoulder. Then in one fluid movement, my hand is around his muscleman bicep, my thumb lands on his inner elbow, I have is forearm in my grasp, I put my finger in his palm. There is no reaction. No clasp. Nothing but a gasp. One of the many gasps his body makes automatically. Some one tells me he will continue to gasp until his heart stops.
I lean down and kiss his little mouth. He is so beautiful.
I never once questioned the doctors diagnosis or prognosis. They said he was severely brain damaged. I lay awake some nights going over in my mind why I never questioned any of this.

I made the mistake of googling stage 3 HIE, I found a message board of moms living with their children who have stage 3 HIE. No one told me he could live.

Could this have been us? Could he have lived? At what cost? At whose expense? My guilt eats at me little by little.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s