Post Mortem

With baited breath, we waited for the results of Xavier’s autopsy and placenta pathology.

With a strange sense of curiosity, even knowing that he died of HIE, I felt like I didn’t know enough.

As of Thursday, I now know more than any mother should know about her child. Things like “He arrived in a body bag” and I know how much his brain weighs. I KNOW HOW MUCH HIS BRAIN WEIGHS. Do you know how they weigh  a dead baby’s brain? Neither do I, but I have a good idea and  I have been haunted by this for the past few days.

We received a 20 page report, and there are so many things that made me cry out. I felt physically heavy, like my body was being pulled down. I was surprised again at not being prepared for something I thought for sure I wanted to know.

I know what an autopsy is. I am not stupid, but seeing it all written down, and about your baby…it’s a hard thing to read.  They took pictures of him before and during the autopsy. This knowledge has affected me the most. Knowing that these pictures exist is…there is no words for what that is…heart breaking comes close.

His official cause of death was severe HIE, due to a PLACENTAL ABRUPTION, due to MATERNAL ECLAMPSIA.

The placental abruption had an asteric next to it.  Our amazingly talented inutero baby managed to put a True Knot in his cord. Directly in the middle. Impressive…

The pathology showed there was engorgement in the vessels on the maternal side with hypercoiling.  It was very difficult to read Xavier’s autopsy. More another day…I am spent.

None of this can be really happening to us…can it??  I miss him.  So very much.

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