Today is my 35th birthday. Another year has passed, and I am so far from the person I was when I turned 34.
It’s a brand new me, for better or worse.
1. Driving past Toys r Us makes my stomach turn a little bit.
2. I fear for the lives of my two living boys constantly. I worry one (or both) will be taken from me in another freak accident.
3. I make statements such as “my two living boys”, I wish I didn’t have to differentiate.
4. Pregnant women make me want to pull my hair out. Fits of jealousy rack my brain like never before.
5. I resent birth control. Any form. They stand between me and my baby.
6. I feel like life is “dirty”, like a window that hasn’t been cleaned in awhile. You know it’s sunny outside, only it’s hard to see through the grime.
7. Every moment is a gift. Truly. I get that now. I don’t think it’s fair my baby had to die to learn that lesson though.
8. I feel like no one understands. Really understands what happened to us. I am alone in my journey. Even my DH can’t understand cetain parts of my grief, or why I would want to put my self out there to try again. It makes me feel lonley a lot of the time.
So I am thankful for today…and yet, Xaviers death has changed so much of who I am that who knows who I’ll be next year…with any luck …I’ll be VERY pregnant, writing a new list on how I have come so far.
To the next 12 months…please be gentle on me.