The new me

Today is my 35th birthday. Another year has passed, and I am so far from the person I was when I turned 34.

It’s a brand new me, for better or worse.

1. Driving past Toys r Us makes my stomach turn a little bit.

2. I fear for the lives of my two living boys constantly. I worry one (or both) will be taken from me in another freak accident.

3. I make statements such as “my two living boys”, I wish I didn’t have to differentiate.

4. Pregnant women make me want to pull my hair out. Fits of jealousy rack my brain like never before.

5. I resent birth control. Any form. They stand between me and my baby.

6. I feel like life is “dirty”, like a window that hasn’t been cleaned in awhile. You know it’s sunny outside, only it’s hard to see through the grime.

7. Every moment is a gift. Truly. I get that now. I don’t think it’s fair my baby had to die to learn that lesson though.

8. I feel like no one understands. Really understands what happened to us. I am alone in my journey. Even my DH can’t understand cetain parts of my grief, or why I would want to put my self out there to try again. It makes me feel lonley a lot of the time.

So I am thankful for today…and yet, Xaviers death has changed so much of who I am that who knows who I’ll be next year…with any luck …I’ll be VERY pregnant, writing a new list on how I have come so far.

To the next 12 months…please be gentle on me.

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3 thoughts on “The new me

  1. Happy Birthday – I wish you peace this year and always. I so wish that I could write words to ease your pain. Please know that if I knew what they were I would write them. Thank you for sharing your and Xavier’s story. Take care.

  2. So we have the same birthday, we are only 1 year apart in age and both of our babies were due in October.

    so many parts of this post hit home That you see life through a dirty window. Yes. I know that feeling. That everyday is a gift. I thought I knew that before, but it really takes the death of someone very close, or a near death experience yourself, to really understand that.

    A few months ago, my husband said to me that he will never truly understand how I feel, but that I will never understand how he feels either. He lost his son, but he also lost his wife when his son died. I’m not the same person I was.

    Sending you love today. Another hard day without our boys in our arms.

  3. Oh I have so many wishes for this year of my life.. so very many. Wishing you a Happy Birthday… though trust me I understand it may be hard to say ‘happy’ birthday. I hope that the next 12 months will shine upon you with peace and light.. wishing you the very best and remembering Xavier with you…

    PS- the line about the living children… I sooo get that one.

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