Past, Present, Future

Okay, so I was doing some thinking today (a scary thought), and I thought about where I was one year ago, what my life was like, my hopes, dreams and plans. Then I thought about what those same things were right now, and how about in one year?

Past- May 24, 2010

We were getting ready for another summer soccer season with our two boys. I was 18 weeks pregnant! I was 2 weeks away from the anatomy scan. I told my DH I wanted the 3d ultrasound at 22 weeks. It was after all going to be our last baby, and I wanted to do everything I could that was “fun” and interactive.

I was becoming more and more excited about having Xavier join our family. M and D.jr. were getting just as excited.

I was just SO happy!

edited to add: I was POSITIVE he was a she.

Present- May 24, 2010

This weekend was hard. The fireworks, the strollers *shudder*, (If I haven’t mentioned it before, strollers set me off like pregnant bellies set off other BLM’s. I had picked up the stroller and car seat at Toys R’ Us four days before he was born. We put it together the day before he was born. Then he died. My beloved put it in the basement before I came home from the hospital…I ran into it 2 weeks after I got home. It devastated me…the thought that it would never be used made me hysterical) So suffice to say Canada’s wonderland was teeming with strollers and INFANTS! Who brings an infant to Wonderland???

The stroller and car seat combo sit under the stairs in my basement. Unused. Waiting, just like me.

I cry less now then I did when he first died. Now I have silent tears. I rarely bawl. I miss my year ago self. She was so happy. I had my baby bump, my two big boys and my beloved. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

I miss him. The grief dulls, the pain recedes…but what I didn’t expect, was missing him so fiercely.

Future- May 24, 2012

According to Fertility Friend, I will be ovulating Aug 1, 2011. Giving me a due date of April 23, 2012, and if we miss that date, Aug 27, 2011 giving me a due date of May 19th. If  God has mercy on me (I think I deserve it?), in one year from today I will have our baby in my  arms.

I’ll be fighting off the boys and DH to hold him (most likely a boy, given that is apparently all my DH makes). I’ll be exhausted, and I’ll have dirty hair and be sleep deprived. My boobs will be HUGE but I’ll be complete. We would be back on the path we were side swiped off of when Xavier died.

We’ll talk to our new baby about his big brother Xavier. He will know that there was another who died, so that he could be born, and there is enough love for everyone here on earth and in Heaven.

And I’ll still miss him…fiercely.

Past- Present-Future.  Can’t wait to read this post in a year.





3 thoughts on “Past, Present, Future

  1. Pingback: Right Where I am: 7 months 2 weeks 1 day «

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