A post with no clear direction

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. I am thinking myself in circles. I was reading all the Right Where I am posts.

Some are where I am, while others are further ahead. Somet are ttc, some are pregnant and some have their baby already.

I am in none of those groups. I am waiting (and whining right now, but I feel entitled to). I want to start now.( I feel like Veruca Salt…I want an oompa loompa. NOW).

Waiting brings me anxiety. Pregnancy gives him anxiety. I am nervous about meeting with Dr.K the placenta specialist and high risk OB I have been referred to. What if he says I am too high risk? I read the Pre Eclampsia check list from Mount Sinai hospital, and I have an “x” next to two items. Weight and a previous eclampsia pregnancy. Having read this I am now officially on a diet…for real…no more drowning my sorrows in chocolate cake.

What if Dr. K says something that makes him change his mind? I am a little upset about what the statistics are, I had read somewhere else that the chance of getting pre-e again was next to nothing. I guess Dr. Google has finally failed me.

I have been incredibly sick for the last week and unable to keep up with my temping, so I bought some OPK’s to try and nail down this months ovulation day. I know we aren’t trying, but I’d like a clear picture for August. Right now my biggest concern is a short luteal phase. Any one not or having never TTC this is boring shit, anyone who is or has TTC you understand why a short luteal is baaad.

I also had a spike in blood pressure on saturday. 140/90. That is terrible for me but I am going to chock it up to having had coffee to try and open up my bronchial tubes.

This is all superficial filler I realize, but whatever…it’s boring in the waiting room, and that’s where I am right now.

Oh before I end this train wreck, I had a dream about my future daughter (please don’t think I am strange), it’s not the first time I dreamt about her. Since Xavier died, she has visited me four times. Hopefully one day, I’ll get to meet her for real.

Have you ever had any dreams about your baby either before they were born (conceived) or after they passed?

 

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