I just got dropped off an hour before I need to be somewhere (the joys of being a one car family), and so I have some time to write and think and explore some thoughts that have come up in my little brain.
Some are valid, some are vapid…forgive my honesty.
1.What if I can’t get pregnant again. What then?
2.Will the stress of 9 months of worry be too much for me, for D, for our family?
3.What will people think? Other than immediate family, how do you make sure people don’t think you are replacing your dead baby?
4. Am I prepared for a c-section? I am pretty sure if I want to have a baby at 37 weeks…it’s not going to be the old fashioned way.
5. What if I die? What if I have the baby (by rcs) and then die of something stupid like a pulmonary embolism? What have I accomplished?
6.What if he changes his mind? What if August 1 comes around and he’s all “yeah…no”. It would have catastrophic consequences…it really would.
Have you ever been to a warehouse sale? And you are there with your girl friend and she is sooo slooowwww? And you are tugging her arm and the more you tug the slower she goes, but you keep seeing everyone leave with GREAT stuff and you don’t want to lose out? You feel like you are totally missing all the good stuff but can not make her go any faster? Yeah…that’s how I feel with my beloved.
I feel like I am constantly looking back at him, and I feel bad because he looks so sad, but at the same time I know he’ll feel better if he just gets to where I am a little faster.
Tuesday was M’s 9th birthday. I pulled out his baby box. It was nice to remember birth in a happy and exciting time. The day he was born my MIL took pictures…of him coming out…up close and personal. I asked M if he would like to see them. I’ve never shown him these before, he didn’t even know they existed. I warned him he would see himself coming out of a vagina…this created a storm of titters and giggles. “Your vagina?” he asked me. SERIOUSLY?
Anyways the point was to illustrate a happy joyous experience with pregnancy and birth. He was impressed.
Some self affirmations now:
We will get pregnant again
Everything will be fine
No one will die
OK…so thanks for listening. You’re an awsome set of ears blogsphere 🙂
As always…missing you my handsome man xoxo