Busy in the land of grief

Today at our co-ed soccer game, some new participants arrive to play on the opposing team…pushing a stroller (grrr).

It was an older child, maybe two (phew!). The dad got ready and was out on the field before the mom. The mom eventually subbed in…and then? The child began to cry…and cry…and cry. The older sibling couldn’t calm the child, and it was so distracting to me. I could hear him crying and he sounded like a baby and all I could do was look over… EVERY. TIME. HE. CRIED. It came to a point where the mom came off the field to be with the child, but every time he cried, I seemed to nudge closer to his side line. I could feel my breast dropping a bit.

I miss Xavier.  I miss what should have been.

I wish…I wish…I wish, but no matter how tight I close my eyes, nothing will change, he will still be dead, and I will always miss him.

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