Holy FUCK. Just getting into Dr. K’s office was an ordeal. I injured my knee Sunday in our co-ed soccer game, DH couldn’t find parking, so I limped my ass 3 damn blocks to College and University.
Emily warned me about all the pregnant women, and to be honest they did not bother me too much. Thanks for the heads up though!
Looking at all of these women though, makes me question how many of them have had their babies die. Are they part of my club? They ‘look’ relatively happy. Could this potentially be me in a few months? Glowing and laughing?
We finally got in to see Dr.K, and he began by taking my history. We got to Xavier’s birth and death, my non-symptom symptoms of pre-e, my weight and when we plan on ttc again.
We went over the placenta pathology. There was nothing remarkable. He looked at my IPS screening. All normal. He could determine NO reason why the placenta abrupted. He is a placenta goddamn expert, and has never seen a placenta abrupt like mine did, with no other underlying cause.
Then he thought, perhaps it’s because I snore. So I told him I don’t snore, I snored when I was pregnant and couldn’t sleep on my tummy. He was adamant though, that my sleep apnea during pregnancy was probably the reason for the abruption.
Here is where things really started to disintegrate. He stated…matter of factly…that to reduce my risk of another abruption, we should wait to try again until I have lost some weight to avoid pregnancy sleep apnea. SERIOUSLY? I began to cry. I wanted to scream at him to shut up. That DH had serious reservations and that him opening his YAP was not helping. I felt anxiety overwhelm me. He also asked me why I would want to try again if I already had 2 kids at home. Would I want to put my two boys through a pregnancy that most definitely would involve a hospital stay from 32 weeks and could I afford it? WTF???
I asked about numbers. Like if I don’t loose the weight, what’s the chance it happens again? There is a ten percent chance, and if I do loose the pounds, that percentage is cut in half to five. How do I feel about those numbers? I think they are bullshit. A stab in the damn dark by some one who has no clue why my baby died or why the placenta abrupted.
Everything in his research says it shouldn’t have happened. Same partner, two previous healthy pregnancies,no clotting disorder, healthy placenta and a healthy baby (besides the fact that he is dead).
My intake ended with me assuring him through tears that yes it would all be worth it, yes I could afford it (not that it’s any of his damn business) and no I didn’t want to wait.
He said no matter what we decided he would gladly take us on, and do everything they could as a team to help us take home a baby. He is THE placenta specialist, I would like to wring his neck, but he’s the best, and that’s the only reason I’ll continue on with him at this point.
I am mad, and frustrated and scared, and my loss of Xavier won’t allow me to even contemplate throwing in the towel. When will it go my way?