Up for air

Does it seem bizarre that TTC a baby reminds me of Xavier, and all that we lost?

Is this normal?

Is it strange that today, as my body prepares to be pregnant again (OH MY GOD FINGERS CROSSED!!!), that I miss him terribly?

I should post this under confessionals, but is it completely off the hook that yesterday while I was showering, and the hot water was running down my body, I folded my arms like you would to hold a baby and caught the hot water and rocked back and forth…and I thought about Xavier, and his little new born body lying in my arms…is that weird?

Last night in bed DH had his own moment of confession in that he is finding TTC very difficult emotionally for him. Have I told you how much I love this man before? It brings tears to my eyes…the new life we are trying to create is so wrapped up in the life that was lost. The conflict is that both are so wanted. Xavier can’t be had and a new baby isn’t guaranteed.

So much more complicated than I anticipated…




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