10 months

Tomorrow it will be 10 months since Xavier was born.

Seventeen years ago I saw my friend V for the last time. She moved back to England. When Xavier was born, she was one person who supported our family the best she could from across the miles. She sent me a memory box and some treats from the UK. She uses his name freely (oh how beautiful to hear his name), she asks questions, she gives opinions, in short she cares.

She is also going to be sitting in my living room tomorrow!!!! I wonder if she knows tomorrow is one of our “days” and that just by being here, and everything she has done for us means so very much. We are catching up on 17 years and I can’t wait!

She has two little girls, one is a year old (first baby experience since Xavier, so fingers crossed I don’t become emotional jelly).  I have decided to take them to Chuck E Cheese for lunch with all the kids, her two and my two. Her response was GREAT! “What is Chuck E Cheese?” Can’t wait to bring her to the kids casino :))))   So tomorrow I will be celebrating so many things. I wish he could be here (OH how I wish, I wish, I wish).

So for that reason, I wanted to post my ten month message today.

My beautiful son,

I love and miss you so immensely Xavier. It feels like you are getting further away from me, that each second is one away from you. You should be here, you should be a part of this family. I imagine at 10 months, you should be sitting and rolling and sleeping through the night.  We should be getting sloppy infant kisses, not sobbing like infants.

I can’t express in words the longing I feel some times, the tears that I have cried in your absence. I can’t imagine that we have survived 10 whole months without you and that we are able to continue on each day. How do we smile, or laugh or live?  We inhale and exhale and sometimes that is how we get to the next moment, breath to breath.

Your death is less raw, less jagged. Together as a family we have rubbed the edges so they no longer cut us any more, but the hole remains. It expands and contracts like my heart, and every so often I get stuck inside.

Ten months baby boy… and my love continues to grow.



2 thoughts on “10 months

  1. I will be thinking of you all tomorrow. 10 months is getting so close to a year and a year is HARD. Not to scare you or anything, but I’m sure you already know and are probably dreading it already.

    I’m so glad that V has been such a support and that you get to see her on Xavier’s 10 month anniversary. I hope that it isn’t too hard to see her baby. If it is, go to the bathroom, cry and come back out. It sounds like she will understand.

    Sending you lots of love.

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