Alrighty then…the pity party I was having for myself over not being pregnant this month has come to an end. I’m just mopping up my tears and then I’ll be good.
I need something to do in between all the two week waits. CD1 to O date…approximately 2 weeks. What do I do? Obsess, pee on OPK’s and hold back on BDing with DH until just the right time. 1dpo to test day…two weeks, and again I am peeing on HPT’s like there is no tomorrow. My life in increments of two weeks…I hate it.
I am feeling slightly better this month than I was last. Why? No idea…I think even though I knew it would be a miracle for a first month conception, I was really hoping that it would happen and I was totally let down when it didn’t. Completely conflicting…believe me I know.
I wish I could write down all the things I think about in my little brain on a minute by minute basis..I am pretty sure people would think I was crazy. eg:
- What would I be doing with Xavier RIGHT NOW?
- I wish I was pregnant RIGHT NOW
- What can I do to increase my odds this month
- Maybe I’m infertile
- Maybe he is
- Why do I have to be doing this? He should be here
- I want to hold my baby
- Any baby
- What if he dies
- What if I die
- What if I had just gone to the hospital right away
- Maybe I am being selfish
- I can’t NOT have another baby
- Am I too old
- Will I screw up any new babies life by having such a large age gap between kids
- I want to be pregnant. RIGHT. NOW.
- OMG…pregnant belly coming directly towards me…don’t stare, don’t stare…ok…don’t stare too much or obviously….
- Same if there is a baby nearby
I also wanted to recognize that yesterday was the Gone Too Soon picnic, and unfortunately I couldn’t attend because M had a soccer tournament, but thank you Dana for adding Xavier and acknowledging him. I showed my DH and while he is quiet in his grief and remembrance of Xavier, he seemed genuinely pleased about this. So thank you!
CD5…hopefully this is my month.