Begin again

Alrighty then…the pity party I was having for myself over not being pregnant this month has come to an end. I’m just mopping up my tears and then I’ll be good.

I need something to do in between all the two week waits. CD1 to O date…approximately 2 weeks. What do I do? Obsess, pee on OPK’s and hold back on BDing with DH until just the right time. 1dpo to test day…two weeks, and again I am peeing on HPT’s like there is no tomorrow. My life in increments of two weeks…I hate it.

I am feeling slightly better this month than I was last. Why? No idea…I think even though I knew it would be a miracle for a first month conception, I was really hoping that it would happen and I was totally let down when it didn’t. Completely conflicting…believe me I know.

I wish I could write down all the things I think about in my little brain on a minute by minute basis..I am pretty sure people would think I was crazy. eg:

  • What would I be doing with Xavier RIGHT NOW?
  • I wish I was pregnant RIGHT NOW
  • What can I do to increase my odds this month
  • Maybe I’m infertile
  • Maybe he is
  • Why do I have to be doing this? He should be here
  • I want to hold my baby
  • Any baby
  • What if he dies
  • What if I die
  • What if I had just gone to the hospital right away
  • Maybe I am being selfish
  • I can’t NOT have another baby
  • Am I too old
  • Will I screw up any new babies life by having such a large age gap between kids
  • I want to be pregnant. RIGHT. NOW.
  • OMG…pregnant belly coming directly towards me…don’t stare, don’t stare…ok…don’t stare too much or obviously….
  • Same if there is a baby nearby
This a regular stream of (conflicting) consciousnesses I have on a daily basis. It’s a wonder I can function at all…but it’s normal right?
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I also wanted to recognize that yesterday was the Gone Too Soon picnic, and unfortunately I couldn’t attend because M had a soccer tournament, but thank you Dana for adding Xavier and acknowledging him. I showed my DH and while he is quiet in his grief and remembrance of Xavier, he seemed genuinely pleased about this. So thank you!

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CD5…hopefully this is my month.

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One thought on “Begin again

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