Begin again

Alrighty then…the pity party I was having for myself over not being pregnant this month has come to an end. I’m just mopping up my tears and then I’ll be good.

I need something to do in between all the two week waits. CD1 to O date…approximately 2 weeks. What do I do? Obsess, pee on OPK’s and hold back on BDing with DH until just the right time. 1dpo to test day…two weeks, and again I am peeing on HPT’s like there is no tomorrow. My life in increments of two weeks…I hate it.

I am feeling slightly better this month than I was last. Why? No idea…I think even though I knew it would be a miracle for a first month conception, I was really hoping that it would happen and I was totally let down when it didn’t. Completely conflicting…believe me I know.

I wish I could write down all the things I think about in my little brain on a minute by minute basis..I am pretty sure people would think I was crazy. eg:

  • What would I be doing with Xavier RIGHT NOW?
  • I wish I was pregnant RIGHT NOW
  • What can I do to increase my odds this month
  • Maybe I’m infertile
  • Maybe he is
  • Why do I have to be doing this? He should be here
  • I want to hold my baby
  • Any baby
  • What if he dies
  • What if I die
  • What if I had just gone to the hospital right away
  • Maybe I am being selfish
  • I can’t NOT have another baby
  • Am I too old
  • Will I screw up any new babies life by having such a large age gap between kids
  • I want to be pregnant. RIGHT. NOW.
  • OMG…pregnant belly coming directly towards me…don’t stare, don’t stare…ok…don’t stare too much or obviously….
  • Same if there is a baby nearby
This a regular stream of (conflicting) consciousnesses I have on a daily basis. It’s a wonder I can function at all…but it’s normal right?

I also wanted to recognize that yesterday was the Gone Too Soon picnic, and unfortunately I couldn’t attend because M had a soccer tournament, but thank you Dana for adding Xavier and acknowledging him. I showed my DH and while he is quiet in his grief and remembrance of Xavier, he seemed genuinely pleased about this. So thank you!


CD5…hopefully this is my month.


One thought on “Begin again

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