Head up for air. 2dpo and in the tww. I am feeling extremely stressed today. Tuesday it’s back to work (and back to school), but today…today has been awful so far.
I just can’t seem to find peace this week. TTC has proven to cause me oodles of anxiety, temping, timing, making sure it’s still fun. I have put so much on myself, trying to protect my beloved because he is so much more fragile than me right now, that I am starting to crack. Beginning to break. Wanting to hide and just say fuck it.
I don’t know what to do with myself. He reiterated the other day how he still isn’t ready, and it makes me feel guilty that we are TTC anyways. In spite of his not readiness. It is contributing to my anxiety. Glad we are so open with each other, but…but what? I am torn. Simply torn. I want to ease his anxiety and tell him it’s OK. We don’t have to do this anymore because it’s affecting you. However if we don’t try, it will kill me.
Right now fight or flight is settling in, and I am preparing to fly.
Additionally, we are approaching Xavier’s one year birthday (and subsequent death day), and I am consumed with a driving desire to be pregnant by then. The conflicts going on in my head are making me a basket case.
It feels like nothing will ever be easy again.