I think it’s too much for him

Head up for air. 2dpo and in the tww. I am feeling extremely stressed today. Tuesday it’s back to work (and back to school), but today…today has been awful so far.

I just can’t seem to find peace this week. TTC has proven to cause me oodles of anxiety, temping, timing, making sure it’s still fun. I have put so much on myself, trying to protect my beloved because he is so much more fragile than me right now, that I am starting to crack. Beginning to break. Wanting to hide and just say fuck it.

I don’t know what to do with myself. He reiterated the other day how he still isn’t ready, and it makes me feel guilty that we are TTC anyways. In spite of his not readiness. It is contributing to my anxiety. Glad we are so open with each other, but…but what? I am torn. Simply torn. I want to ease his anxiety and tell him it’s OK. We don’t have to do this anymore because it’s affecting you. However if we don’t try, it will kill me.

Right now fight or flight is settling in, and I am preparing to fly.

Additionally, we are approaching Xavier’s one year birthday (and subsequent death day), and I am consumed with a driving desire to be pregnant by then. The conflicts going on in my head are making me a basket case.

It feels like nothing will ever be easy again.

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2 thoughts on “I think it’s too much for him

  1. I hate to say it, but I don’t thinks will be easy again. I have talked to some Mom’s who lost their babies 3 or more years ago and they say that they are in a good place now. They are happy. They miss their baby, but they are happy. Hard to imagine, isn’t it?

    I’m dreading TTC again. I get anxious just thinking about it and I’m still bleeding from the miscarriage. I keep telling myself that I won’t temp or chart or do anything. If it happens it happens. But I know I’ll never stick to that.

    I’ve been lucky that Ted and I are ready to try again as soon as we are allowed, but it gets rougher with each loss. But it isn’t fun. We hate trying but we know we have to.

    I felt a burning desire to be pregnant again before many significant dates…Jacob’s due date, Christmas, his first birthday. I did find out I was pregnant on his due date (it didn’t end well, of course) but it helped. But I wasn’t pregnant on Christmas or his first birthday and it turns out that it didn’t matter. The dates were hard. I don’t know that being pregnant would have made them much better. But I’ll never know. I imagine it helps a little.

    I hope you do get pregnant soon and that it isn’t too hard for either of you. Silly to even write that. Pregnancy after loss is very hard, but there is hope and happiness in it too. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and thinking of you often.

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