Eleven Months

Almost eleven months have crept past since he was born. Each month is marked for me now. The tenth of every month is HIS day. Always and forever.
 
Sometimes saying his name pains me and yet if I don’t hear it, it makes my misery worse.  It’s amazing how a person can smile and laugh and breath while being consumed with grief and pain.

Someone told me once that before you are born, you make “agreements” with the ones you love in heaven to live together here on earth.  This includes your children. I can’t understand this. I can’t comprehend why I would agree to this, why would Xavier agree to such a short life? When trying to find answers as to “why” and “why me”, sometimes I guess you’ll look anywhere, and to say you did this on purpose…well I guess it dulls the pain a bit.

I am having a bit of a rough day and a hard time with this milestone so I thought I’d just throw it out there. This month, I should be planning his first birthday, instead I am planning his memorial. And it sucks. And I miss him. And NO, time does not heal all wounds, not the kinds left by the loss of your child.

Dear Xavier,

I love you more than words can express, more than any sentence in any paragraph that could be written in all the history of the written word.

You hold my heart, and I hold your memory.

I am no longer afraid of death, because in death we will be reunited. Look down on us always and keep us safe in your love.

I love you and miss you.

Mommy

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