He died

Eleven months ago today…he died.

My world crashed, my life altered. Everything since has simply been my life after he died.

I can’t seem to settle back into my new normal. It seems harder right now than say a couple of months ago. His birthday. I know it’s his birthday. It is weighing heavily on my heart and and on my mind. I want him back…can someone get him back to me?

After he died, he was lying on my chest and D came over to my side and I pulled him to me with my arm and I wailed “How did this happen? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? We were just supposed to have a baby? ” He couldn’t answer me and my dead son was shaking on my chest because I was crying so hysterically.

I was medicated soon after. D asked them too. Then everyone left my room and went home. Two nurses came into my room. I was barely coherent…high as a kite is more like it. They were so gentle with me. The did peri-care took off all my clothes and bathed me in my bed. I never even saw their faces, but the soothed me. I will never forget their gentleness and soothing voices.

I was so sick, and my baby was dead, and my life had gone tragically off course.  Eleven months later, and every day is just another day of trying to learn how to live with out him.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us — Joseph Campbell 

Sometimes I have to remember let go every other second.


3 thoughts on “He died

  1. xox love.

    I try not to think too much about the moments right before. It’s like how I turn away in gory movies when I know something awful is about to happen… I can’t think about it because it haunts me, and makes me oh so terribly sad. I’m so sorry hun.


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