Last night I dreamed about him again.
In the year since he died I have had several dreams about babies. I am either breastfeeding or snuggling with the baby. I believe the baby in my dreams is always Xavier. The only time I get to mother him is in my dreams. I want him back, here on earth, in our arms.
I am not “dealing” well with his upcoming birthday. I am crying more now than I have in the past few months. I have feelings of depression and hopelessness. I don’t wan to work, I don’t want to get up off my couch. I wish I had the luxury of crawling into my bed, avoid showering, people, chores and responsibilities for the next week. Sadly that is not in the cards for me.
I invited all of the people who I thought might be interested in coming to Xavier’s memorial and now I am regretting it. I want to call them all up and tell them I am cancelling it because I don’t want to do it. I don’t think I am capable of going through with it.
I want him back. I am having conflicting emotions about trying again. I resent it. I am mad he is not here and we have to go through this stressful TTC process…WHY dear GOD… why me? Why us? Why him?
I’ll never be the same again, and I am resentful about this too…