I want him back

Last night I dreamed about him again.

In the year since he died I have had several dreams about babies. I am either breastfeeding or snuggling with the baby. I believe the baby in my dreams is always Xavier. The only time I get to mother him is in my dreams. I want him back, here on earth, in our arms.

I am not “dealing” well with his upcoming birthday. I am crying more now than I have in the past few months. I have feelings of depression and hopelessness. I don’t wan to work, I don’t want to get up off my couch. I wish I had the luxury of crawling into my bed, avoid showering, people, chores and responsibilities for the next week. Sadly that is not in the cards for me.

I invited all of the people who I thought might be interested in coming to Xavier’s memorial and now I am regretting it. I want to call them all up and tell them I am cancelling it because I don’t want to do it. I don’t think I am capable of going through with it.

I want him back. I am having conflicting emotions about trying again. I resent it. I am mad he is not here and we have to go through this stressful TTC process…WHY dear GOD… why me? Why us? Why him?

I’ll never be the same again, and I am resentful about this too…



2 thoughts on “I want him back

  1. Yes most certainly.. to all of this. Just before the one year mark I became anxious and snappy. It was not an easy couple of weeks leading up to Cullen’s first birthday.
    I am here to listen and offer support. I am wishing you peace in this most turbulent of times.

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