I have been avoiding my blog. Like the plague. I don’t want to write about Xavier’s first birthday. I have not processed it yet and have not come to grips with it. I think I may still be in some sort of denial.
I wish I could say it was cathartic, beautiful, peaceful ect…and it wasn’t. It was sad, and I was resentful. I hated planning and going through the motions of planning a 1st birthday party for an urn. Buying helium balloons to send up to heaven and burning candles for three days straight with his name written on the clear plastic votive holders.
Yesterday was infant loss something or other…wave of light…I’m not really sure what it is because I have IGNORED it. I can’t deal with everyone else’s dead baby while I am still so completely fucked up about my own’s first birthday on Monday.
Not to say it isn’t important to bring awareness to the forefront, but I just am having such a hard time thinking about and missing my sweet baby boy, that I have nothing left inside to grieve for others right now. I have cried for your babies, I have lost sleep over the emptiness I know you feel, because I feel it too. They are gone and I can’t change or fix that and I wish I could.
I feel like a terrible person for not giving a shit about October 15th…because it’s too much for me. I don’t know how to explain it better than it’s just. too. much.
I have been having some pretty bad flashbacks, and I can’t seem to snap out of the what if’s. I know he’s DEAD damn it…so how does it help me thinking about what I should have done, what I could have done different to save the baby that should be learning to walk and terrorizing our dog.
FUCK FUCK FUCK
I am angry and I think its because I am so tired of being sad, this is just an easier emotion right for me right now.
Laughs, pudgy feet, open mouthed goopy baby kisses, knawing on his fingers, toddling and diapers. I am missing it all but mostly I am missing him. Who he would have been and who we would have been with him in our lives.
I don’t know how I got back to this place where it’s so dark with very little hope of every feeling happy again. Or maybe it’s just tonight, just right now. Who knows, I am so far off the map right now.