OK…so I’ve had some time to cry and whine and moan and be depressed and feel sorry for myself (and for Xavier), and I deserved to do it all.
I have not been absent. I have been reading all of your blogs, but because I use my Blackberry and Google reader I can’t leave comments from there. Which sucks and I am sorry. I’ll try harder to get on my lap top. I will be trolling all of my favourite blogs today leaving comments.
On to a bit of an update from the land of temperature taking, OPK’s and covert sex. I am officially 1dpo, and maybe I am blowing smoke up my own ass, but I just feel like this might be the month. Good timing, good temperatures and I am strangely more at peace right now than I have been in a long while.
Xavier’s first birthday came and went, and I wanted to be pregnant more than anything in the world. That didn’t happen, and maybe it’s how it had to be for my own grief and recovery. I was so stressed about being pregnant for his birthday, it made everything else so much more acute.
Over the last two months my hair was falling out so much I began to notice my ponytail getting thinner. A little searching around on Dr.Google and it looks like stress and a lack of vitamin B12 are the culprit. I also read that B12 could make my luteal phase more regular, which has been a problem in the past. I began taking B12 complex chewables about a week ago and I am already seeing the results, mainly that I don’t see as much of my hair floating around the house or in my hair brush.
All of this to say I am alive, I am in a better place than I was two weeks ago, and most importantly…I am hopeful. SHIT! I thought I ran out of hope awhile ago…it even took me by surprise.
As a quick little aside, last night I took M to a friends soccer team’s halloween fundraiser, while we were there, we ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while, but who I had heard through the grape vine had had a baby. She was pushing a stroller and came over to say hello to us. I immediately felt panicked and almost claustrophobic..I smiled and said hello, made BRIEF small talk and then high tailed it the hell away from her. I felt it all well up in me, from my toes into my chest…the panic was overwhelming…how can a small little baby make me feel like that? It’s not that I was afraid I would cry or be upset…more like mad and jealous and resentful. Some one out there in blogland please tell me this is normal…will it be the same if I have my own baby? Will my baby make me feel different then what I experienced last night? I assume our baby will not cause feelings of panic, tightness and claustrophobia…RIGHT????