Back in the saddle

OK…so I’ve had some time to cry and whine and moan and be depressed and feel sorry for myself (and for Xavier), and I deserved to do it all.

I have not been absent. I have been reading all of your blogs, but because I use my Blackberry and Google reader I can’t leave comments from there. Which sucks and I am sorry. I’ll try harder to get on my lap top. I will be trolling all of my favourite blogs today leaving comments.

On to a bit of an update from the land of temperature taking, OPK’s and covert sex.  I am officially 1dpo, and maybe I am blowing smoke up my own ass, but I just feel like this might be the month.  Good timing, good temperatures and I am strangely more at peace right now than I have been in a long while.

Xavier’s first birthday came and went, and I wanted to be pregnant more than anything in the world. That didn’t happen, and maybe it’s how it had to be for my own grief and recovery. I was so stressed about being pregnant for his birthday, it made everything else so much more acute.

Over the last two months my hair was falling out so much I began to notice my ponytail getting thinner. A little searching around on Dr.Google and it looks like stress and a lack of vitamin B12 are the culprit. I also read that B12 could make my luteal phase more regular, which has been a problem in the past. I began taking B12 complex chewables about a week ago and I am already seeing the results, mainly that I don’t see as much of my hair floating around the house or in my hair brush.

All of this to say I am alive, I am in a better place than I was two weeks ago, and most importantly…I am hopeful. SHIT! I thought I ran out of hope awhile ago…it even took me by surprise.

As a quick little aside, last night I took M to a friends soccer team’s halloween fundraiser, while we were there, we ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while, but who I had heard through the grape vine had had a baby. She was pushing a stroller and came over to say hello to us. I immediately felt panicked and almost claustrophobic..I smiled and said hello, made BRIEF small talk and then high tailed it the hell away from her. I felt it all well up in me, from my toes into my chest…the panic was overwhelming…how can a small little baby make me feel like that? It’s not that I was afraid I would cry or be upset…more like mad and jealous and resentful. Some one out there in blogland please tell me this is normal…will it be the same if I have my own baby? Will my baby make me feel different then what I experienced last night? I assume our baby will not cause feelings of panic, tightness and claustrophobia…RIGHT????


4 thoughts on “Back in the saddle

  1. I agree w/ leslie, I think (hope?) it will be different with our own.

    Glad to hear you’re feeling hopeful. It’s all you can do to have perfectly-timed sex, temping, and a little optimism. 🙂

  2. I think it will be different with out own, but sad in another way…seeing everything that we have missed out on with our lost babies. I’m glad to know about the Vitamin B12. My hair started falling out shortly before I miscarried the twins and hasn’t slowed down a little, but there is always hair in the sink, on my clothes….everywhere I look. So I’m going to be more faithful about taking the B12.

    I’m glad you are feeling some hope and some moments of peace. I found that passing Jacob’s first birthday was huge for me and I started feeling more moments of peace after it.

  3. Pingback: THAT post and 13 months |

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