Relax

Relax

Breathe

Don’t think about it and it will come

A few things I have been told over the last few months in regards to getting pregnant. I really wish people would shut the hell up. They have no clue. I love my husband, I want a baby, I have been pregnant four times (miscarriage in 1994), it will happen again right? Wrong. So much shit can go wrong reproductively as you get older, and I am fearful they are all happening to me.

I am 6dpo, so I’ll know soon if I can cancel my appointment at my fertility clinic. For anyone who reads this, we are going to ICIS, if you have been or have any feedback please leave it in the comments.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about my boy this past week. Remembering carrying his little body inside of mine. Feeling him move, nudge, stretch and kick. Remembering his sweetheart lips and dimpled chin. His little toes and hands so much like his Daddy’s. I miss him so much…I wish we could roar like lions. The deep grumbling echoing roar of a lion is what my grief would sound like. It would start at the tip of my toes, run through my body and explode out of my mouth. ROOOARRRR

My grief seems to be compounded by not being able to get pregnant. Another slap in the face by fates cruel twist.

They are calling for frost tomorrow, and it just seems like the seasons are running into each other so quickly.

I miss you and I love you my little boy.

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3 thoughts on “Relax

  1. The old me, the pre-loss, Nikki would have gleefully wished you baby dust. Nikki-now aches for you and just hopes and prays that you are pregnant. And, if not this month, next month. And in 9 or 10 months you have this beautiful new child that I get to make some special crochet stuff for. Even if your optimism wanes, I will still stay optimistic for you, because that is what a friend must do, should do, and wants to do! ❤

  2. I hate all the stupid advice I get. I’ve tried everything and still I don’t get pregnant. Yet I see so many pregnant people around me. I wonder why it worked for them.

    Oh, ignore the question from my other comment about which clinic you are going to. My doctor in Oakville was going to refer me to ICIS until I asked for a place in Toronto. I’ve heard good things about ICIS. If you got o ivf.ca, there is a forum and a part of that forum specifically talked about different clinics and you can read about others’ experiences.

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