OH. MY. WORD.

Ladies…all my ladies out there in blog land…I WANT TO BE PREGNANT.

I think that has become an obvious theme on my blog, but today, I felt it. I felt that need and want to have a little life snuggled in my womb so hard today it almost knocked me over.

I went to the urgent care today because I have an eye infection. The same hospital I went to when I had a bleed at 8 weeks with Xavier (It was a SCH) I mulled over the fear I felt that night. The fear that I was losing him, and the irony that I would lose him so much later. I was plunked in front of the pediatric exam room, and I could see the infant scale and the little brightly coloured robes they have to wear. I want a baby. I would like to have Xavier back, but I know I can’t, and that is good thing to know. It means I am going through the grief process properly. That I can separate what has happened and how I need to move forward. The  words of my mom still fill my head, that you can’t go back, only through, and yet I am still so angry sometimes that this is my life. That this has happened to us. That we are in this position.

I know it sounds a bit Veruca Salt, but “I WANT A BABY…AND I WANT IT NOW”. My biological clock was ticking when we decided to go for it with Xavier, and my biological clock is now THUMPING and CLANGING with the want of a new baby. My arms feel empty and my breasts still drop and feel like they are filling with milk when I think of or hear a baby.

So here we go into cycle 5. I have prayed, and I have begged, and then after that I prayed some more. I have meditated and asked the universe. PLEASE, let me get pregnant.

We have an appointment on Wednesday at the fertility clinic. Given that I feel there is a black cloud pissing rain directly on my fertility, a bad report is what I am expecting…so wish us luck.

I

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4 thoughts on “OH. MY. WORD.

  1. I feel exactly the same way. I feel obsessed with getting pregnant. I long for that feeling again and every month that goes by and it doesn’t happen, I despair a bit more that maybe it never will. I hope that things go well at the infertility clinic and that they can do something, and quickly, to make it happen soon. Which clinic are you going to? One in Mississauga or Toronto? I’ve been going to one since April.

  2. My hope is that the RE will have some answers.. that was what I needed most last year when I began seeing one (and then another). It’s such a path, such a process.. but my hope is that you will be in just the right place on Wed.

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