Ladies…all my ladies out there in blog land…I WANT TO BE PREGNANT.
I think that has become an obvious theme on my blog, but today, I felt it. I felt that need and want to have a little life snuggled in my womb so hard today it almost knocked me over.
I went to the urgent care today because I have an eye infection. The same hospital I went to when I had a bleed at 8 weeks with Xavier (It was a SCH) I mulled over the fear I felt that night. The fear that I was losing him, and the irony that I would lose him so much later. I was plunked in front of the pediatric exam room, and I could see the infant scale and the little brightly coloured robes they have to wear. I want a baby. I would like to have Xavier back, but I know I can’t, and that is good thing to know. It means I am going through the grief process properly. That I can separate what has happened and how I need to move forward. The words of my mom still fill my head, that you can’t go back, only through, and yet I am still so angry sometimes that this is my life. That this has happened to us. That we are in this position.
I know it sounds a bit Veruca Salt, but “I WANT A BABY…AND I WANT IT NOW”. My biological clock was ticking when we decided to go for it with Xavier, and my biological clock is now THUMPING and CLANGING with the want of a new baby. My arms feel empty and my breasts still drop and feel like they are filling with milk when I think of or hear a baby.
So here we go into cycle 5. I have prayed, and I have begged, and then after that I prayed some more. I have meditated and asked the universe. PLEASE, let me get pregnant.
We have an appointment on Wednesday at the fertility clinic. Given that I feel there is a black cloud pissing rain directly on my fertility, a bad report is what I am expecting…so wish us luck.