Anger, rage, frustration.


I have a burning anger welling up inside me today. It has begun to make my hands shake. It all stems from the question WHY?? It’s not fair, none of this.

Two days ago, we received the Maternal and Perinatal death review for Xavier. I’d like to scan and share it here…maybe next post. It was a shock to my system. It brought me right back to that first raw, gut wrenching, painful grief. My sweet baby died a miserable death and we have been left to continue on with out him.

I missed the tenth this month. I am ashamed and feel guilty. Fifteen months I have walked the earth without my son…and I forgot the tenth. I have berated myself all day. It brings me back to the beginning of this post WHY!!!! I want off this shitty ride, it’s not how it was supposed to go.

I am lost. Not sure I can be found. Not sure I want to be found. Where’s my goddamn happy ending?


One thought on “Anger, rage, frustration.

  1. Oh mamma.. I understand- I promise I do. I wish I had words to soothe, to make the path seem lighter.. but we both know there are none. Please be gentle on yourself.. and know that for those who failed Xavier, there are many more who know his story and who carry it in their hearts.

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