I am confused.

I am confused about how I am supposed to be feeling at this stage of the game. I’m feeling a wee bit standoffish and a little bit like a traitor.

I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with this baby already and other than a few blood tests I have zero confirmation there is even going to be a baby to swoon over. I keep telling myself there are still multiple opportunities for this pregnancy to go south. I could list all the many ways but I’m already a mess so why further torture myself right? So I have been anticipating the other shoe to drop so to speak. Building myself up for that heart break. This is crazy right?? RIGHT?

I was in Wal-Mart the other day, I haven’t had it in me to even walk past the baby section and if it was unavoidable I would look in the other direction. Last week I ventured in! I actually walked in willing, looked around and held up a few items….oh the balls on me!!!!
My heart was racing a bit. I had a bit of a panicky feeling, but overall…it wasn’t that bad. I even found a belly band on clearance for $10.

I have been feeling slightly traitorous in regards to Xavier. I feel like the last two weeks while I have been on this “Am I, am I not pregnant?” merry-go-ride I have lost sight of the reason for being in this place now. At least a little bit.

Is it OK to accept and move on? Don’t get me wrong, I can’t and won’t ever forget him, but I accepted he was gone from the moment he died. I knew there was no wishing or bargaining him back. That it wasn’t my fault. I knew immediately I wanted to try again. So does this make me cold or hard? I don’t think so. I grieve and miss him everyday, but I can’t change what happened. I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other since October 12, 2010. Some days is easier than others. I believe Xavier sent us this baby, but I hope he’s not feeling left out.

I knew pregnancy after loss wasn’t going to be easy, I just didn’t anticipate it to be hard from the get go. I thought maybe in the third trimester, I’d feel anxiety and fear…but I didn’t know guilt would be such a big factor in the beginning.


4 thoughts on “5w1d

  1. I found that I felt really guilty with the 3rd pregnancy. I cried a lot and was so worried about Jacob and the baby. Now that I’m on my 5th pregnancy, I just don’t feel guilty anymore. I don’t know what changed. I am 4 months ahead of you in the grief process and every month makes a big difference, I find. I still miss Jacob, he is and always will be a part of our family, but I don’t worry about this baby replacing him because he just can’t be replaced. Other people might think that is what’s happening, but I figure that anyone that I’m close to knows the truth (not that it won’t still drive me nuts if acquaintances think we should be all better when we have a little baby).

    Just feel how you feel. There’s no way to run from your emotions and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

    I’m glad you were able to walk into the baby section. It’s such a breakthrough the first time you can do that.

  2. I don’t see it as much as moving on as I do living life ‘after’. Our babies are not any less cherished because we strive to share life with more children- their spirits soar in our hearts and memories as much today as they did they day they left us. I know that my heart will eternally ache for my son, but that is not at the cost of feeling the beauty that surrounds the hole- and that beauty comes from my living children- including the two who are growing.
    As to pregnancy after loss, yes I believe it is hard as HELL from DAY ONE. When this pregnancy first began I was in a 100% constant state of anxiety, fear and worry. I purchased a guided meditation download to help with the first trimester because my anxiety was literally unavoidable. (Highly recommend the meditation LMK if you want the link). Now at 15 weeks the anxiety is the worst each week on my appt. day.. so I am still working on finding calm.
    Not sure if you have one but I highly recommend a home doppler- best $50 investment ever. I start each day checking in on the twins- now that they are bigger it only takes about 20 seconds to hear their heartbeats and start my day with a sigh of relief.
    Sending hugs…

  3. I think that’s a perfectly normal feeling. I had a chemical pregnancy two months after losing our twins…we were encouraged to try again right away because of my age and our infertility issues, but I felt like nothing short of a traitorous bitch (I think I even said that to myself) when I got the BFP. Neither my husband nor I were disappointed when my tests turned negative a couple of days later. We were not emotionally ready. Even when we do conceive again – if we’re so lucky, I guess…weird word for it – I have a feeling it will be very, very bittersweet.

    Hugs to you…

  4. You are not a traitor at all. You deserve to be happy. I have no confirmation of this but I believe Xavier would want it happiness for you. Bittersweet – the adjective I seem to use so often these days definitely applies to pregancy after loss. Sending you peace and hugs. Take care.

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