I am confused.
I am confused about how I am supposed to be feeling at this stage of the game. I’m feeling a wee bit standoffish and a little bit like a traitor.
I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with this baby already and other than a few blood tests I have zero confirmation there is even going to be a baby to swoon over. I keep telling myself there are still multiple opportunities for this pregnancy to go south. I could list all the many ways but I’m already a mess so why further torture myself right? So I have been anticipating the other shoe to drop so to speak. Building myself up for that heart break. This is crazy right?? RIGHT?
I was in Wal-Mart the other day, I haven’t had it in me to even walk past the baby section and if it was unavoidable I would look in the other direction. Last week I ventured in! I actually walked in willing, looked around and held up a few items….oh the balls on me!!!!
My heart was racing a bit. I had a bit of a panicky feeling, but overall…it wasn’t that bad. I even found a belly band on clearance for $10.
I have been feeling slightly traitorous in regards to Xavier. I feel like the last two weeks while I have been on this “Am I, am I not pregnant?” merry-go-ride I have lost sight of the reason for being in this place now. At least a little bit.
Is it OK to accept and move on? Don’t get me wrong, I can’t and won’t ever forget him, but I accepted he was gone from the moment he died. I knew there was no wishing or bargaining him back. That it wasn’t my fault. I knew immediately I wanted to try again. So does this make me cold or hard? I don’t think so. I grieve and miss him everyday, but I can’t change what happened. I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other since October 12, 2010. Some days is easier than others. I believe Xavier sent us this baby, but I hope he’s not feeling left out.
I knew pregnancy after loss wasn’t going to be easy, I just didn’t anticipate it to be hard from the get go. I thought maybe in the third trimester, I’d feel anxiety and fear…but I didn’t know guilt would be such a big factor in the beginning.