Gary, Gil, Succubus…eventually these little pet names turned into Xavier.
I used to text my sister and tell her Gary was coming on the kick drum whenever he started kicking me really hard.
Or she would call Gillllll, to my belly. (a reference to an obscure movie Transylvania 6500). We had all sorts of names for him while I was pregnant. None of which can ever be repeated for the new little one.
I had my ultrasound yesterday. The tech couldn’t get the heart rate, but she turned the screen to me, zoomed in and showed me his little heart flickering. “His” you ask? I would bet on on it.
I saw his little heart flashing in and out. I am still in shock.
I asked for a picture because I told my husband not to bother coming, that they probably wouldn’t even let him in. I was wrong, she asked if he wanted to come in. I felt like an ass when she asked me that.
It was entirely bittersweet. I have been fighting off some panic attacks this week in regards to having this baby. Specifically keeping him alive for the next 30 or so weeks.
I was reading an article about the new movie coming out called Big Miracle and the fact that they filmed in Alaska and all the challenges that they faced. The producer said “You have to look squarely at the challenges and then ignore them”. I think this can be applied in my case. I see the challenges. The possible pre-e, another c-section, countless long trips to the high risk MFM, lots of tears and high anxiety. So much unkown is scary. What I have decided to do is acknowledge my fears, even wave hello every once and awhile then ignore the shit out of them like a mean girl in middle school.
I am taking this baby home with me in a car seat. No more if’s or maybes or possiblies. I am tired of hopefully. I need to have a more positive attitude even in the face of all the trauma we have faced. The new Lima Bean (I’m sure a better name will eventually come to us) deserves my optimism. DAMN IT!!!