Ultrasound today. You all know what that means…STRESS.
I didn’t warn the tech this time. I didn’t play the dead baby card..the take-pity-on-me-and-tell-me-immediately-when-you-see-a-heart-beat card.
As I lay there on the exam table, I watched her face more than the screen. Watching her face for anything that might look like pity or concern. I began to feel my heart race so fast I had to close my eyes and breathe deeply. I was mind fucking myself. I spent the morning preparing myself for terrible news. The baby stopped growing. There was no heart beat. The words I would use to tell my husband and family.
The tech told me to go pee and we would move to transvaginal ultrasound. I asked her, what was the heart beat? She said she couldn’t tell, we’ll have a better look with the wand. I texted what she said to my DH while in I was in the bathroom. His response was WTF?
On to the transvaginal…some poking and prodding (she didn’t even buy me lunch) and I was told I could get up and wait for the report. “Did you get a heart rate?” I asked “I’ll let your doctor talk to you about that” she replied. I immediately went into an emotional tailspin. Only bad news would be delivered in that fashion. I began to tell myself that it’s still quite early and anything is possible. Talking yourself out of bad news is not that hard apparently.
I sat down and waited for my name to be called. I waited 5 minutes and was called into the office. “Well” she said. “Everything looks GREAT! Gestational sac, fetal pole, yolk sac all look great! Heat rate is 133”
If I could have run back to the ultrasound room and choked that god damn tech I would have. I almost burst into tears I was so damn happy. BUT then she said I was measuring 6w3d…and unless I ovulated 4 days after my trigger…that’s just not possible, which means the baby is measuring a few days behind. Late implanter maybe? I dunno, here is just another piece of news to stress me out even though the nurse said DON’T worry, that it was fine.
This nurse was like nothing I have EVER experienced before. When she first brought up the 6w3d information from the U/S I wanted to let her know why this information made me feel upset. She stopped me and told me she had already read my file, and was so sorry about the loss of our son. We spoke at length about my fears and anxieties with our new pregnancy. She took my hands and asked me if I had a faith, I told her I did, that I was Roman Catholic. She asked me if we could pray. I agreed. We bowed our heads and closed our eyes. She said a prayer and as we clasped hands in the little room in the fertility clinic we cried together. She asked for a blanket of protection upon me and that God’s little miracle be watched over. She asked for peace for Xavier and that he watch over us as well. This was all so overwhelming and unexpected.
She gave me her number and told me I could call her whenever I wanted, even if it was just to talk. She has renewed my faith in the medical profession, or at least in nurses.
She did my obstetrical intake complete with the weigh-in (gulp), b/p (slightly elevated) and obviously no doppler given how early I am.
All in all the day was stressful but Mr.Bean LIVES! I had a really good cry and feel like I have been placed an earth “Angel”. Someone who has been placed in my life to create calm and peace when all I feel is turmoil and anxiety.