Happy Valentines Day.
We had a family date night last night. Dinner and a movie, it was fun. The boys had fun D and I had a lovely evening with them.
Five days ago was Xavier’s sixteen month birthday. I wish (oh god…don’t we all WISH), he would have been able to join us last night. Our little man bouncing on my knee in the theater. It sounds strange, but I LOVED taking my two other boys to the movies when they were babies. They loved it, the screen, the sound and the treats. Even M who for the most part cried through his first two years of life would calm down as soon as the lights went down and the movie came on. It was just so distracting for him he would forget to whine and cry.
Yesterday M presented us with a Valentine card he made at school for the family. HE wrote a note for everyone inside it.
Dear Mommy, I know you still miss Xavier. I don’t like seeing you cry. Xavier loves you. Love M
Dear Daddy, I don’t have much to say to you, but I think you were very brave when Xavier died. You drove us home from the hospital and you cried. Love M
Dear Djr, We fight sometimes, but I still love you. Xavier loves me more haha. Love M
He signed the card M and Xavier. I don’t understand how he still feels this great connection to him. I am baffled and still wonder if there was a larger connection to him than I can comprehend.
We told the boys about the new baby, I was expecting M to ask the inevitable. Mom what happens if this baby dies and he did. I told him we’d handle it when and if that happens. OK he said, and continued eating his dinner. My poor son, dead babies are part of his reality as well now.
I don’t have another ultrasound until next week, and I believe after that they will release me to my high risk OB Dr. K.
I guess the big question everyone keeps asking me though is “How are you feeling”. If I were to be completely honest I would have to say I have been repressing fear…a lot. Suppression, repression, smiling through stress. I am amazing at it all.