Sorry…two posts in one night.

I guess this is more an addendum to my other post…I feel like he is starting to slip away from me. That I am getting further away from him in each step forward that I take.I don’t know how to hang on to him, how to continue to make him mine, ours. I can’t ever imagine forgetting him, but I do feel the grief less and less. Not because I am pregnant, but because it all seems like a dream now. A terrible nightmare really. He kicked me, he rolled, I kissed his face, his lips, his hands and toes. I undressed him and looked at him naked. I held him until he died. Then he was gone. It’s all a memory now. My heart still hurts for him, longs to mother him, but how the hell do I do that? I spent nine months building up attachments for this little baby boy and now, while he is part of my everyday, my daily thoughts, it’s just…different now. Distant.

I don’t know if this is some sort of grief evolution, I don’t think it’s healing…it doesn’t feel like healing…it just feels like what I said before…like he is slipping away. This almost feels harder than the initial shock and grief. That raw pain is expected, it hurts, and it’s sore and it reminds you every waking second that he is gone and missing and GOD DAMN IT some times it was too much to bear. This is more like a dull ache that I can’t easily define. It hurts gently everywhere.

I love and miss you sweet boy.

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3 thoughts on “

  1. I hear (read?) you sweet friend– it sounds like you are going through a lot of what I am, too. At least we know we are not alone in this. I fear the day when I am able to feel this child, rumbling around my insides.
    Love you, I wish I had more to say, but the words just aren’t coming to me. ❤

  2. I promise you he is not slipping away.. your life has taken some drastic changes in the last few weeks, and with that comes a whole new set of emotions.
    Xavier will always live in your heart.. no time, space or life can change that. Just keep that thought close to you and let your love for him warm it… xo

  3. Some days you will feel this way, other days you will feel the raw grief just like it was yesterday. I wrote a recent blog post on the same feeling, and on the guilt of the fact that I am spending more time living than reliving. I don’t know what is right. Time does pass, and the grief changes shape, but I doubt it will ever leave us. And I would not want it to, neither do you. It’s all we have from our little guys.

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