Just can’t connect :(

Five and a half years ago (or so) my beloveds best friend suffered the still birth of his son at 27 weeks to a cord accident. They were good friends to us. DH and A were best friends. He is my eldest sons Godfather.

The year I got pregnant with Xavier, they too got pregnant. After countless miscarriages, the death of their son and a failed IVF they announced to us very early on they were expecting. We were 6 weeks apart with my due date being first. We shared everything with each other. Genders scans, ultrasounds, aches and annoyances.

In early September of 2010 we received a call that S had been born prematurely at 27 weeks due to incompetent cervix. MY GOD I thought…can’t this girl catch a break? We rushed to the hospital the next day. This little one was a fighter though! She was alive and expected to get through this with what appeared to be no ill effects from the early delivery. Six weeks later, Xavier was born and died. S remained in the NICU but A&H came to Xavier’s funeral (I should point out though, when they came back to our home she ended up in my bedroom pumping breast milk and it nearly killed me).

So what’s my problem? I don’t fucking know…but I can’t see them. I don’t like to talk to them, and I have never seen their baby since the day I saw her in the NICU. These are people who we saw frequently, and were invited to every single function we had. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter you name it, they were on the guest list.

He came to Djr’s soccer game on Saturday and we had a little birthday party for him afterwards (he turned 15 :o) and I didn’t ask A to come back to the house. I feel ashamed that I was thrilled that he came by himself and left his wife and daughter at home. He brought Christmas gifts for my boys, and I refused to acknowledge them for fear he would expect a gift back for his daughter. I just would not be able to do it…buy this baby a present? I COULDN’T, and it’s not her fault…it’s mine but I can’t get past it. Can’t.

What the hell is wrong with me? It all seems to closely related to me, her birth and his death. They too are bereaved parents I should feel connected to, be able to reach out to her, feel like there is a lifeline there, and yet…I have lost all connection to them with no interest to try and at least build something back up.

It has bothered me for a long while, and after Saturday I just needed to vent here a bit I guess. I think I am being silly and selfish, I am beyond common sense though at this point.


One thought on “Just can’t connect :(

  1. Ack! It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves when we can’t reason out our feelings and reactions. My sister-in-law conceived 6 weeks after me, too, and after I lost my babies, I saw her only twice in 4 months and just seethed with resentment that her pregnancy continued while mine did not. It wasn’t until Christmas, when i *decided* to start talking to her that my mind began to shift. It truly was a conscious choice. I talked to her a bit about why it had been so hard and she was kind and forgiving. Perhaps you might have the same opportunity at some point and find, like I did, that most of it was in my head and all that guilt and shame could go away.


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