Friday afternoon when I finished work I felt like every other kid in North America whose spring break started that day. I remember the first day of summer holidays when I was still a kid. I would wake up the day after the last day of school, open one eye look around my room and think to myself “WOOHOO!!!” and then I would go back to bed!
I am home with the boys this week, and we are up to our eye balls in soccer tournaments and play dates. So much for a relaxing holiday right?
Sunday I went to my sweet cousins bridal shower, babies babies everywhere. My mom was making kissy faces at all of them. I feel like I am fairly capable of ignoring babies, even sitting at the same table as we were I just automatically ignored her, and did not even acknowledge there was a baby sitting with us. At one point my Mom elbowed me and said “Look at this little one!”. I turned to her and said “Mom, I really can’t.” She immediately put her hand on my knee under the table and gave me a squeeze.
I am sure the baby was adorable, and I know she wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but the pain I still feel inside of me when I see everything I am missing sitting in front of me is crushing. I still have a love hate relationship with other peoples babies. Thank God the center piece was tall, because they pulled her stroller up to the table (*gulp & shudder* strollers!), and she was cooing and laughing. I must have seemed like a food freak because I kept my face in my plate and couldn’t stop making commentary on how wonderful the risotto was or how fabulous the calamari tasted.
Yesterday was Djr.’s soccer tournament. In this part of Canada, to accommodate the growing number of soccer players, communities put up a dome over artificial turf soccer fields. It’s a great way to fill the gap and to allow serious soccer players the ability to train and play year round at a reasonable price. Please picture 8 U15 soccer teams of 16-18 players each, plus their parents, inside a soccer dome. The raging testosterone inside the dome yesterday was like nothing I have ever experienced before, however, they did a fabulous job and came away with 2 ties and 1 win and only allowed 1 goal against. Given that my beloved is the coach, I was filled with pride for both of my boys.
This brings me to today. M had a friend over while the Djr. slept over at a team mates house like night. M and this new friend were having lunch in the kitchen and I could hear M telling the new friend about Xavier. I need to stop being surprised when he does this. I heard the boy ask M if he cried when his brother died. M’s response? “Of course I cried, we all did.” It was said in this sheesh-you-are-thick-buddy tone of voice. He really is the best!
So here I am sitting writing out this blog post and I am 12w0d. I can’t hardly believe it sometimes. Saturday I found him on the doppler, and last night as well. Yesterday I heard his heartbeat AND his wee bumping and kicking. I am falling deeper and deeper in love with this little baby. I am so grateful to be able to do this again after our loss, it just feels so surreal and I can’t wait to feel squirms, kicks, rolls and nudges. I am trying to keep my anxiety, doubt, worry and stress to a minimum and just love this bean with all that I can.
Friday is my NT scan, and I am so excited to see Mr. Bean again! D is coming this time and I am excited for him to get a good look at our baby for the first time. I think it will allow him to feel this real and create a bond with the new baby. D has always found it difficult to bond during pregnancy and I can understand that.