My little peanut is stressing me the hell out

On Friday I had my NT scan.

This time the tech did some stuff and quickly told me the baby looks great, but she had to do lots of measuring. PHEW! When D and I FINALLY got to our viewing time, he had hiccups lol,,,honestly, four pregnancies later and that was a first for me. My babies have never gotten the hiccups inutero, I never had the heaving bouncing belly from hiccups EVER, so watching this bean so little having them was precious and funny, I couldn’t stop laughing!

Introducing Mr. Bean- what do you think? Boy or girl?? lol

I am still completely unconvinced that this baby will come home with us.  I try everyday to tell myself that he will, that everything will be fine, that we will be changing his poopy diapers  soon enough. However, as many of you are probably aware of, during a pregnancy after loss, what you tell yourself is not always what you head believes. I still expect blood every time I go to the bathroom and it is very emotionally draining trying to keep my heart ahead of the expected pain of losing this baby. I don’t expect it to get any easier as I (hopefully) get further and further into this pregnancy. I have one foot in this pregnancy and feel absolutely blessed and ecstatic, and the other foot is in the land of grief, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sunday I awoke to a nightmare. The baby had died and I was once again lost and crying deliriously. I got up, had a shower and then listened to the baby on my doppler. I just can’t seem to get enough of listening to his heart and to his bumping away inside my belly. The remnants of my dream however, followed me the rest of the day.

I guess what I am trying to say is…I don’t know if I am going to get to the end of this pregnancy with my sanity in tact. How many times a day can a mother-to-be think about her inutero child as dead or dying before it completely destroys her mind? I feel the stress and the tension in my body. My shoulders and in my neck are constantly aching.

I sometimes feel like I am crawling the walls. Time seems to have slowed down and I am sure that is because like the saying goes, a watched pot never boils and that is what I am constantly doing…To combat this, I have set up some milestones for myself:

March 19, 2012- First appointment with Dr. K at Mount Sinai.

March 28, 2012- 14 weeks – SECOND TRIMESTER!!!

April 18, 2012- Second blood test for IPS screening

April 25, 2012-18 weeks marks the halfway point for this pregnancy as I will be delivered at 36 weeks.

June 6, 2012- 24 weeks = viability, or at the very least medical intervention will be performed if he is delivered as a preemie.

July 20, 2012- Last day of work!

August 6, 2012- Possible admission to Mount Sinai for bed rest and monitoring

August 29, 2012- Possible amnio day followed by delivery.

I am sure there will be tons of doctors appointments in between to get me from milestone to milestone, but somehow writing it down makes it look less daunting, less like six months away and more like a hop skip and a jump. Back to the reality of the here and now though and right now? I am 12w5d, approximately 191 days to go.

I’ll post again after my appointment tomorrow with Dr. K. I am very nervous about seeing him, I never lost the 20lbs he asked me to loose, so I am afraid he will call me out on that, but hey…that is on me and I’ll have to take responsibility for it.

Good night friends 🙂


3 thoughts on “My little peanut is stressing me the hell out

  1. I know you weren’t a huge fan of Dr. K. when you saw him the first time, but I really hope he doesn’t say anything snarky about your weight (he’s not exactly a skinny Minnie either…). Dr’s can be such assholes sometimes, but I will say he was the most positive Dr I ever saw during my pregnancy with Kaia. Even at 18 and 19 weeks when there was very little to be hopeful about he still said “it’s possible” so I’ll forever give him props for that.
    I’m glad Mr. Bean is looking good. I don’t know what to tell you about the whole mind fuck that is pregnancy after loss, except try to keep busy, and don’t think too far ahead. Focus on today and at the end of each day if things are looking good then that’s one more day you can cross off your count down. It’s not easy, but if you’ve come this far, you can definitely keep going!

  2. You are doing so well. 🙂 It’s terrifying, and the thought of a subsequent loss is never far from my mind… I will tell you though, as I look at the calendar and notice I have fewer than 50 days left, I’m starting to feel like this may *actually* happen, which is a little exciting.

    In some respects I feel like this pregnancy has dragged every freakin’ day, and then other days I can’t believe we’re so close.. It’s nuts.

    Ps. I vote boy. 🙂

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