18 months

Dear Xavier,

It is hard to believe that you have been gone for eighteen months now. So much has happened since you died. So many tears have fallen that have your name on them. I think what has surprised me the most is that I still miss you the same as I did the day you took your last breath.

I miss your little face, I wish we could have watched you become the chubby little toddler you should be today. I picture you in my mind and I have assigned you a personality that I think might be pretty close to what you might have been. It seems sad that I have to pretend and imagine what you might have been and what we would be with you here.

Besides your Dad and myself I think M feels your absence the most. He still talks about you and tells everyone that he has a little brother. He was and still is so proud to have had you in his life. I catch him rubbing your urn all the time, and when he won the league championship last April he was certain it was because you were watching over him. He placed the medal around your urn like it was your win too, it remains there and he makes it straight if it ever becomes askew.

I know one day I’ll be able to have you in my arms again, and until that day I pine for you…I really and truly do. I spent a lot of time after you died being devastated and sad and a mess of my former self, but I also spent a lot of time being angry. With fate, my doctor, God and yes even you. I wanted you to want to be here as much as you were wanted by all of us. I questioned why you couldn’t fight harder to stay, why I wasn’t good enough for you to try harder. I slowly came to realize I was asking to much of you, you were so weak and sick and after all, just a wee baby. I couldn’t have asked more of you that the precious hours that we spent together. You were strong, as strong as you could be and I received a gift many baby loss parents don’t get, I received time with you. Thank you for that.

One and a half years has sped by and yet it feels like yesterday. I continue to love you immensely and miss you even more than that. Thank you for the moments we shared and thank you for the gift of our new baby. I know you sent me this gift and I know you will keep us all safe. We miss you, we miss you, we miss you.

Love Mom

Not enough kisses for my lifetime ❤

 

 

 

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