I am asked almost daily “How are you? How are you feeling?”, I keep making the mistake of answering honestly. I say physically I am feeling great, but that I am scared to death. I am scared for everything that has happened and everything that can happen. The usual response to this is a “Tsk tsk” and “Don’t worry, everything will be OK” or some times “Be positive! I just know everything will turn out fine” and my personal favourite “Stress is bad for the baby”
I have had several bad days in the last two weeks. Tears in the shower, tears sitting outside the Taco Bell (please don’t judge, I have been stress eating for weeks now), tears for just about ANY thing that tugs at me emotionally. I know that part of this is regular pregnancy hormones, but there is so much more going on than that. I am scared. I am scared out of my fucking mind that this, our last chance, our last try, will some how be snatched from me, from us. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop down on my head like a hammer. I laugh and smile and get on with my days, but beneath the surface I am just a mess, with really no one to talk to because all I get are the responses above.
At 18 weeks and this being my fourth pregnancy I thought for sure I would feel movement by now and I don’t. This in and of itself scares the living daylights out of me. WHY can’t I feel her? Maybe my three strapping lads before her have spoiled me, maybe the c-section has left me numb in my lower abdomen, maybe…maybe…MAYBE. Maybe there is something wrong with her, maybe she will leave me as well…sorry for the ramble, but there is so much rolling around in this brain of mine which is why crying fits in the shower have become the norm.
I want her to come home with me so badly, the thought of losing another child chills me to my soul. I asked my beloved D why I keep getting this response from my friends and family and he told me because people are keeping the faith for us. They are holding out hope because we can’t. He explained he is trying to be as positive as possible because thinking of the alternative is too painful. I agree, but trying to
repress be positive is becoming a daily struggle for me and I see a few chinks in his armor as well.
Florence + the Machines sing a song you might recognize from the movie Eat Pray Love. I remember when I first heard it I thought that when I was pregnant again I just knew my “Dog Days” would be over…I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.
One last thing before I wrap this post up. Leslie over at Cullen’s Blessings could use a few thoughts and prayers. I am terrified for her and my GOD I can only imagine how she is feeling. Please say a prayer (or whatever it is you do…even just some good and positive thoughts her way) for her and her twin boys and their entire family. She has been a massive support to me both in the death of my son and in trying to conceive this baby. She deserves a happy ending and a double rainbow. I am thinking about you Leslie and hoping and praying for the best outcome for you and your twins.