Everything will be OK

18w2d

I am asked almost daily “How are you? How are you feeling?”, I keep making the mistake of answering honestly. I say physically I am feeling great, but that I am scared to death. I am scared for everything that has happened and everything that can happen. The usual response to this is a “Tsk tsk” and “Don’t worry, everything will be OK” or some times “Be positive! I just know everything will turn out fine” and my personal favourite “Stress is bad for the baby”

I have had several bad days in the last two weeks. Tears in the shower, tears sitting outside the Taco Bell (please don’t judge, I have been stress eating for weeks now), tears for just about ANY thing that tugs at me emotionally. I know that part of this is regular pregnancy hormones, but there is so much more going on than that. I am scared. I am scared out of my fucking mind that this, our last chance, our last try, will some how be snatched from me, from us. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop down on my head like a hammer. I laugh and smile and get on with my days, but beneath the surface I am just a mess, with really no one to talk to because all I get are the responses above.

At 18 weeks and this being my fourth pregnancy I thought for sure I would feel movement by now and I don’t. This in and of itself scares the living daylights out of me. WHY can’t I feel her? Maybe my three strapping lads before her have spoiled me, maybe the c-section has left me numb in my lower abdomen, maybe…maybe…MAYBE. Maybe there is something wrong with her, maybe she will leave me as well…sorry for the ramble, but there is so much rolling around in this brain of mine which is why crying fits in the shower have become the norm.

I want her to come home with me so badly, the thought of losing another child chills me to my soul.  I asked my beloved D why I keep getting this response from my friends and family and he told me because people are keeping the faith for us. They are holding out hope because we can’t. He explained he is trying to be as positive as possible because thinking of the alternative is too painful. I agree, but trying to repress be positive is becoming a daily struggle for me and I see a few chinks in his armor as well.

Florence + the Machines sing a song you might recognize from the movie Eat Pray Love. I remember when I first heard it I thought that when I was pregnant again I just knew my “Dog Days” would be over…I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.

One last thing before I wrap this post up. Leslie over at Cullen’s Blessings could use a few thoughts and prayers. I am terrified for her and my GOD I can only imagine how she is feeling. Please say a prayer (or whatever it is you do…even just some good and positive thoughts her way) for her and her twin boys and their entire family. She has been a massive support to me both in the death of my son and in trying to conceive this baby. She deserves a happy ending and a double rainbow. I am thinking about you Leslie and hoping and praying for the best outcome for you and your twins.

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2 thoughts on “Everything will be OK

  1. This is such a problem in our society. The dismissal of negative feelings. Maybe people think they are being supportive when they say things like “don’t worry” or “everything’s going to be fine”, but it feels like such a brush off. When you’ve just confessed to them how scared and anxious you are, hearing “don’t worry” doesn’t make anyone worry any less, especially about something neither you nor they have any control of. I hear you though. You are afraid and that’s a hard way to live, and while I know it’s a terrible feeling to have all the time, I don’t think it either hurts, nor helps your chances of having a living baby. It’s just the way it is based on your history.

    Maybe when you are feeling scared and down, repeating something simple to yourself like “I love this little girl, and am doing the best I can to keep her safe” would help. That statement is true and doesn’t focus on anything negative, but it also doesn’t try to blow off your fears.

    Also, my sister in law just had her baby two months ago, and I remember clearly last fall when she was about 20 or 22 weeks asking if she felt any movement and she hadn’t at that point. She was a first time mom, but it still seemed late to me, when I remember feeling Kaia at 14-15ish weeks. Everyone’s different though. A few weeks later my sister in law was feeling him move all the time. It could also have something to do with the position of your placenta, or the way the baby likes to lie. Or maybe you just have one chill little chick in there.

    Keep taking it day by day. You’re strong enough to do this!

  2. Oh sweet mamma.. I can’t thank you enough for the blog love and well wishes. I am so thrille dthat you are having a sweet precious baby girl and an sending all of the love, light, hope and prayers that she will be born safe and sound into your arms.

    I know how frustrating it is to be dealing with issues like this. I can’t remember- do you have a doppler? I think I would have completely lost my shit in the earlier weeks if I did not have one. Even now in the hospital we check heart tones on the twins every few hours in addition to the daily NST’s. I can feel Baby B the easiest but Baby A is somtimes harder depending on my position- he is really low and tucked way back in my uterus.

    I have had the same reactions from people about stress and worrying- and honestly I wanted to slap the shit out of anyone who brushed me off like that. I am dealing with it even here in the hospital- one person I talk to keeps saying everything will be JUST FINE and that I need to stop worrying, etc. Yeah- just fine- two premature babies with IUGR who will def. head to the NICU- what’s there to worry about? I get SO pissed.

    I’m sending love and hugs to you and your little one.. lots and lots.

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