I wrote this yesterday. I was in a very bad and scary place:


Right now, my eldest boy is in an operating room having a detached retina fixed.

I am hoping and praying that everything goes well, and he will come out the other end with an amusing story for his kids.

However in my baby loss world kids die…my 15 year old son is not exempt. Why do I even bother telling people my fear when I am told to just be positive or stay strong…I wish someone could just validate how I am feeling, and allow me to just be afraid and maybe even offer me some comfort.

So right now…I wait and pray and hope that he wakes up and that his the eye surgery is successful.

More later…


So let’s fast forward to this morning when the eye surgeon says he should make a full recovery, but is to never head the ball in soccer again (I can live with that).

PTSD had me on my knees praying and begging he came out of the surgery not just with a fixed eye but alive (really??). There are moments when I feel like a normal person, one who feels an under current of sadness, but present and functioning on a plane of normalcy. Until my kid needs eye surgery and I am begging God to let him live…it seems like such a bizarre reaction, but it’s where I am today.


God, I feel like I have been writing this post forever. It’s now Thursday night and here I sit in triage at Mt. Sinai hospital.

For the past 36 hours I have had some major issues breathing and taking a deep breath. I finally decided it was bad enough to warrant a trip to L&D. I am unsure of the connection, or if it is even pregnancy related, but given my O2 levels directly affect Scarletts, I figured it was time to come in and get checked.

They found her (barely) on the heart monitor, but kept losing her so we abandoned that. My BP is elevated 148/86 (waaaay high for me) and I am waiting to see a “fellow” and have blood drawn.

Last nights opinions from my mom and sister is that the laboured breathing is from a rib pinching a nerve…I can’t lay down, I can’t exert ANY energy, there is a pain across my back and I simply cannot take a deep breath and it feels like I am slowly suffocating…

I am not afraid (is that weird?)…it’s just so freakin’ painful and uncomfortable 😦


3 thoughts on “22w1d

  1. Glad your son is okay. Hope is eye heals up nicely and doesn’t cause him any further trouble. Any surgery on your kid is scary. My mom always tells me she remembers waiting in the parent room while I was in for heart surgery and seeing another mother in the room sitting there and sobbing uncontrollably. When the woman calmed down a little they started to talk and she learned that this other mother’s child was in having his tonsils removed. What my mom took away from this was that no matter how ‘small’ a hurt your child gets, it’s scary and upsetting. It’s never easy to have your child experience anything that you view as dangerous, even if it’s *only* eye surgery, so don’t feel bad that you were upset.

    I hope your trip to L&D turns out well too. Maybe it’s a pinched nerve brought on by stress? I know my body reacts in painful ways when I’m stressed. I get back pain, a twitchy eye, stomach issues etc. Here’s hoping it’s a (very painful) nothing.

  2. Thinking of you and hoping everything is ok. Watching for an update…….

    Your reaction to your son in surgery makes sense to me. I always worry a little about a general anesthetic, no matter how minor the surgery is (not that having his eye operated on is minor…I have something minor that I could have fixed or not have fixed. I’d like it fixed, but don’t want to go under a general to have it done).

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