I went back and read it…how raw, how sad. I feel sorry for that me last year. I wish I could go there and hold me up.
So here I am RIGHT NOW. Pregnant. It’s what I was hoping for one year ago, and I am happy for my Scarlett coming in September, and yet I still miss Xavier so very much. It is a bizarre world to live in. Happy for the baby that is coming, our beacon of light and hope but knowing his death is what has prompted her existence.
Last night I was in labour and delivery for shortness of breath. They took a triage patient before me into the room beside where I was sitting. I could hear the conversation the nurse was having with the patient. She was 30 weeks with some spotting. OK says the nurse, let’s put you on the monitor. I could hear her put the monitor on her belly and the sound of no heart beat. I could hear her moving it around trying to find the baby. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had closed my eyes and was holding my breath repeating in my head “Find the baby, please find the baby, oh please find the baby”. She found the baby…I exhaled. It never ends this journey. There are things we take with us forever, certain traumas that never release their hold on our hearts.
I often wonder how I got here, in my first post I wrote about being barely able to put one foot in front of the other, and to a certain degree I am still doing just that. I feel like every day I am just trying to get to the day where my baby is screaming and alive…
I have accepted Xavier is dead. There is nothing I can do to ever bring him back. However I think accepting that I will never hold him, kiss him or feel him in my arms again will be a lifelong process.
Where am I right now? Always grieving, always licking the wound his absence created but also allowing the hope and joy Scarlett has created back into our lives.