So I have been hiding my head in the sand lately. Hoping that it makes the time go past faster. I haven’t wanted to post because I don’t know how to write down how I am feeling. The gist of it is? I am scared.
I googled synonyms of scared so as to try and pick out specific words that I could associate with how I am feeling (anxiety, apprehension, cold feet, consternation, dismay, distress, dread, fright, horror, nervousness, panic, scare, strain, stress, tension, terror, trepidation, unease, uneasiness) sadly, they all apply.
Even in the moments I feel her moving around I am concerned about the strength and frequency. Why was that kick lighter then the one ten minutes ago, why was it so low, is the cord wrapped around her neck (Xavier had wrapped once around his neck)? Is it too long (Xavier’s was), did she make a true knot (coupled with the pre-e, it is suspected Xavier’s true knot led to the abruption)…and on and on the horror show plays inside my head. It is unrealistic of me to feel her move 24/7 and yet, even if I did, I think I would question every single movement.
I don’t have any coping mechanisms for this kind of stress and panic. I feel llike I just can’t manage it. I have tried to pretend, ignore and repress that everything will be alright. I have purchased three things for Scarlett so far, a onesie, a two piece pajama and some pink socks. I have been looking for a hospital take home outfit for about two months now, and nothing seems to fit the bill. It seems like this “outfit” represents so much more than just a cute pajama to take my baby home in. In the back of my mind (waaaaay back), maybe it also needs to be appropriate for a cremation as well? Maybe it needs to be smaller because she will be premature? Whatever the reason, I just can’t find the PERFECT thing. I feel so morose and lacking in the positivity everyone says I should have with this pregnancy. Be strong, stay positive, have faith…yeah right, none of those things help your baby come home ALIVE. Just like during the TTC days, when person after person told me not to stress out about trying to get pregnant, that it will happen when it’s right…I wish I still had fragments of that ignorance.
All of this to say, I am barely functioning these days…I am hopeful one minute and a bowl of Jello praying to whoever decides whose baby lives and dies, to please let this baby live. I am exhausted from the constant panic and worry I feel. I can tell my self whatever I want, that she will live, that we will have a baby in September to cuddle and love on, but it doesn’t stop me thinking and feeling such terrible things. So how do I get to a happy place? How do I make sure to enjoy this time with her? I am completely lost and not sure how I can find any sort of comfort.
100 days to go until my c-section
I can do this, right???