I really really REALLY want to buy a dress.

Not for me…but for her. For my Scarlett.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to spend any sort of large amount of money on her. I am terrified it will be “wasted”. I want to buy a dress, a coming home dress but I am terrified it will become her cremation dress. How morose, how sad, poor little girl. Her Mommy thinks she is going to die…

On Friday I ended up in L&D (yep again), this time for decreased fetal movement. She was fine. I clearly am not. I know 24 weeks is early to really have “DFM”, however, she had presented with a pattern over the last month and on Friday, that pattern of movement stopped. There was NO movement. I freaked out, left work and went directly to the hospital. The nurses there were great and told me I did the right thing and that that’s what they were there for. I was relieved and felt silly all at once.

I took pleasure in my OB appointment with Dr. K yesterday.  I love my ultrasounds, it’s the best part of my appointment. It gives me such reassurance. She was moving around, cute as a button and growing right on schedule. Finally her measurements have leveled out! My doppler flow is perfect, BP is fabulous and I have gained 0lbs in the last 4 weeks (shocking!)

Dr. K showed me a bunch of charts, one of which really has me concerned but he brushed it off as “fine”.

Here is an amniotic fluid chart. The bottom line is considered low fluid, the middle is normal and the top line is considered “high levels”.

The red dot represents MY amniotic fluid levels:








I have to tell you, Googling excessive amniotic fluid has me worried. No where in Dr. Google does it say it’s OK or that it is “fine”…I should have asked more questions about this, but I had others that I wanted answers.

Ever since I read about Becky’s spontaneous rupture, I have done nothing but obsess about it happening to me. I am a terrible healer and this tragedy sits on the forefront of my mind. I asked my tech if she could have a look at the scar through the ultrasound and she explained that they would do a very “uncomfortable” test around 36 weeks with a full bladder to have a look at the uterine incision site from my c-section. I would prefer this test done earlier, and I expressed this to Dr. K.  He seemed very offended that I would think he would let me have a uterine rupture. He didn’t seem to understand that it was a fear and not that I was questioning his ability to keep me and my baby safe. GAH! I though he understood my mistrust of doctors, I thought I made it clear to him that I would be questioning EVERYTHING, that I would need reassurance as I got further into the pregnancy. I just felt dumb after that…and I don’t need that from someone I am supposed to feel free to talk to about everything. After that I asked about my low lying placenta and he said it was early days still and that he was not concerned about it. Which to me translate as him brushing me off…again…I am not a happy camper. Maybe he was having a bad day, maybe so was I…I will see him in two weeks time and have my gestational diabetes test the same day, I am hopeful that it will be a better appointment.

She is kicking me harder and higher this week.  She still isn’t moving in the early morning. I am up at 7:00am for work and she isn’t up and moving around until 8:30am, I am hopeful she keeps this sleep pattern after she born! That would be amazing!

Take care everyone, and if anyone has info on the excessive fluid I’d love to hear it.



4 thoughts on “25w0d

  1. I have no info on excessive af but I always had lower than the normal amount of af and my ob told me not to worry (yeah right) and it was fine. I questioned my ob on nearly all of her decisions and she was a trooper about it. I hope your doc is more understanding next time, docs are so silly. That he’d think he has the power to stop a rupture is peculiar to me. I’m sure it wont happen but as a mom of course you are worried, especially after Becky’s tragedy. Glad you went to l&d, always better safe…

  2. I have been buying Emily lots of stuff, but I haven’t removed the price tag from anything that can be returned. Then I wonder if I even would return most of it if she died. I’ve had thoughts of what outfit I would ask someone to run to my house and get if she is born early and doesn’t make it. What outfit would I want in the pictures that I will look at for years to come, which one would I want her buried in. I hate those thoughts, but can’t keep them from coming.

    I’m glad you went to the hospital (but not glad about the decreased movement). Better safe than sorry. Those quiet days are hell though. They scare me so much, then I have all the thoughts about the outfit, above, and many others.

    Good for you on the 0 lbs in 4 weeks! I had an appointment yesterday and I’ve gained 6 lbs in 2 weeks. I can’t believe it.

    Funny reaction from Dr. K. Of course you would be worried about that. It’s like he was taking it as an accusation, a comment on his skills. He probably was just having a bad day or something as he has been good in the past.

    I found out yesterday that my amniotic fluid is on the low side of normal. I’m not so worried about it at it’s current level, but what if it gets lower and I don’t know it?

    Emily has a pretty good sleep pattern too. She has only woken me up once during the night with her movements. She moves when I get up to pee or change positions and then she is fairly quiet until about 7:30am. Imagine if we both have babies that are good night sleepers! Of course, it might scare us a lot too

  3. 🙂 Buy the dress. Or dresses.

    I lived through each day of my pregnancy worrying Grace wouldn’t come home to stay. There are so few things that you are truly able to enjoy during pregnancy after a loss, that clothes should be one of them. 🙂 I’m with Dana, I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to return things anyway (my massive collection of boy gear is a nod to this), but if buying a dress will being you some joy.

    Thinking of you momma. 🙂

  4. Ooo, that would piss me off! Is your low lying placenta actually previa (covering some portion of your cervix) or just low lying? If it’s not a previa it probably isn’t too much of a concern, but if it is, then, um, what’s their plan? My understanding of previas is they’re unlikely to resolve past a certain point.

    Can you/are you seeing a MFM? With both issues combined and your history, I think an expert opinion involved in your case would be warranted, especially if your OB appears to be minimizing your worries.

    Hugs, Mama…

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