I had another post lined up, but I need more time to write it. I was finding it extremely overwhelming to write. So here is a pregnancy update instead.
No OB appointments until Friday, so nothing to update on the medical front…OH I did get my gestational diabetes test results back, and they came back normal. This kind of disappointed me because I was hoping to pin my high fluid on the GD. I am still concerned about it, and my first question when I see Dr. K’s vacation replacement on Friday will be WHY shouldn’t I be worried? I am sure there are tons of reasons why I should be, but I need someone to talk me of the edge, and tell me why it’s OK and why I am the only one concerned about it. Leslie commented on my previous post about my concerns over high fluid and so I GOOGLED! Damn it…Sure enough high fluid levels can lead to placental abruptions and cord prolapses. My DH is a soccer coach and one the Dads on the team is a neonatologist at SK. After a game last week I spoke with him about what has been going on re: my fluid levels. It turns out he knows my high risk OB…and highly recommends him (woohoo). We discussed a cleft palate, gestational diabetes, hydrops and other congenital defects that would prevent the baby from swallowing properly and finally, that it could all just be NORMAL…I am trying to convince myself that everything is a-ok, and I have nothing to worry about, however having been down the road of a dead son, it is not going well.
According to Baby Center my peanut girl is the size of a butternut squash. I always forward the weekly emails I get to my husband, sister and mom. My sister has noted that BC is constantly comparing the baby to food and are they trying to get us to want to eat her? (lol)…so this week:
29 WEEKS via Baby Center
29 WEEKS in real life
She is getting so much stronger, I can feel her kicks higher and I think she might me going from a head down position to a transverse position daily because of where I feel her bum! I am dying to meet my daughter and have her come home and join our family.
Speaking of delivery day, I have been feeling so MUCH anxiety about c-section day. I delivered my first two vaginally (with an epidural), but Xavier’s birth was such an emergency, that they didn’t have time to ensure I was frozen for my c-section and no time to induce, so I FELT them cut me open. The thought of another CS has me quaking in my boots. In an attempt to calm myself and arm myself with knowledge rather then the unknown, I watched several c-section surgeries on youtube. At first I though MY GOD, this was the wrong decision. I happened upon a video from somewhere in the middle east and OMG the horror!!! The second I watched was from Michigan State University Hospital. It was just what I needed to see. Sewing me up after the baby is born is really what I am having problems dealing with. It can take up to 30 minutes to suture the patient up. OMG! Thirty minutes of them sewing up my innards! FML….that is where most of my anxiety lies. I think taking the baby out will have me preoccupied with just listening for her first cries…every thing else?? *shudder*
I am also worried about the stitches afterwards. With Xavier I had internal dissolving stitches and the top layer of skin was closed using surgical glue (VERY AWESOME for those of us that are squeamish), Dr. K closes using sutures…bleh. I think I need to stop thinking about the specifics of every thing because I am making it so much worse for myself.
I am still on the look out for a hospital take home outfit..I am considering sewing her one because I am not pleased with what is available currently. I have tried all the regular stores, but they are either all so pink it reminds me of Pepto Bismal, too big, too small, too expensive or just not what I am looking for. Does any one have recommendations for online stores or local stores? It would be awesome if I could find something relatively soon so I can tick it off my list.
I am officially on Maternity leave (as of June 30) and I could not ask for a better boss. Today she emailed me and told me she was thinking of our family and wanted me to add her to my email list of people to notify when our little Miss was born. They have been incredibly generous and accommodating through the loss of Xavier, trying to get pregnant again with an RE, and all of the subsequent doctors appointments after I got pregnant.
It’s been a bit of an emotional week for me. I miss my boy. We all do. M came and flopped in my lap the other day, looked up at me and said “I miss him today Mom”…I leaned over, kissed his head and told him I know, I miss him every day. I have had the opportunity to speak about him to two new friends in the last two weeks, so that has been nice. I think I shock people when I tell them with a smile on my face that I have another son. That he died shortly after he was born. Missing him makes me cry, talking about him makes me smile, I feel pride and love when I speak about him and I think that people who haven’t had this kind of loss don’t get that.