Well almost 32 weeks…more like 31+5, but close enough right?
I have been struggling these last two weeks since I posted. I have also been extremely busy as well. One would think if I was busy, I wouldn’t have time to worry, but the opposite has been happening. I get super busy, I don’t pay attention to her movements and then I remember to make a mental note of her moving and of course she doesn’t move and then I panic. This scenario repeats itself many times a day, making living a stress free third trimester extremely difficult. I had hoped this blog would be my outlet for fear and stress during this pregnancy, but as it turns out, this space is better suited for me pouring out my grief.
His pictures stare back at me all day long…and I long for him. I miss him so very much. I still can’t look at little boys around how old he would be. I still question how did this happen? This is our life? This is our story? How have we survived? How did we go forward? It’s so very confusing and the fact that I am now just six weeks away from delivering his baby sister, the little girl whose existence is dependent on his death? The massively conflicting emotions all of this brings up is indescribable…and what people say…MY GOD! Nonsense like “Finally getting your girl eh??”, “Was this an oops?”, “You must be crazy to be starting all over again with an infant!” or my favourite “There is a reason for everything.”.
Apart from the metal fatigue of all the worry and PTSD, I am well physically. No signs of pre-eclampsia, my blood pressure is rock solid, placenta looks good as does the umbilical resistance. Last night she was rolling around so much she hurt me…and not in a good way. Beyond the physical pain she causes I am terrified when she tumbles that she will get wrapped up in the umbilical cord and choke. Xavier had a true knot and the cord was around his neck once…there are just so many things I worry about, none of which I can control.
M and D are currently in Georgia for a soccer ID camp, and Djr. and I are here hanging out, watching the Olympics and spending time with family. We dropped them off in Buffalo on Friday as it’s an hour away and waaay cheaper to fly from the States. Djr. and I did some shopping at Target and at the outlets. He is obsessed with Cherry Cola so that was on the list because we cannot get it here in the GTA. I was also on the hunt for a take home outfit for Scarlet and found this:
I had ordered a bouncer from Amazon and when we got home on Friday night, there it was in my door! It’s so very pink…I will be very upset if Scarlet ends up coming out with boy parts.
I also picked up a few things at Old Navy’s outlet:
And yesterday at Giant Tiger my Dad bought her this:
D and M return home on Wednesday, and I miss them both so much…but M is doing so well and my fear of him boarding at the camp and being scared was for naught…he loves it. All of this is filling in the gap of waiting another 6 weeks to c-section day.
I have had an OB appointment in between this post and the last. Dr. K told me everything is going well and completely normal. I think he has become slightly disinterested in my case or generally my pregnancy. I am clinically not showing any signs of anything abnormal or concerning. YAY right? I thought I was going to be attending clinic every week after las appointment, but he wasn’t interested in seeing me weekly yet, so I don’t have another appointment until August 10th. I also have my anesthesia consult appointment the same day. There will be no VBAC for me. After the ultrasound at my last appointment, it was determined that my placenta is only 1cm away from the cervical o/s and at this point they don’t expect it to move at all. Kind of disappointing, but armed with this information, I am going to ask Dr. K to move my c-section up to 37 weeks. D is not interested in this move, or even me asking, but the worst that can happen is that he’ll say no.
So for now I do kick counts, take my vitamins and baby asprin. I watch the boys play soccer and I am also trying to watch as much Olympics as my eyes can handle…keeping busy and not looking at the calendar too much.
So close…so very close.